THURSDAY, JANUARY 31
9:00 ABC LOST
Return! Convinced they're about to be rescued, the castaways ignore dead Charlie's warning. (Because nobody liked him anyway.)
10:00 ABC ELI STONE
Debut! A d-head lawyer learns he is a modern-day prophet—but is relieved he can still be a d-head.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1
9:00 USA MONK
Obsessive-compulsive Monk takes up painting, and, like other insane artists, is an instant success!
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2
8:00 ABC WAR OF THE WORLDS—Movie
(2005) Tom Cruise fights to save the world against an evil alien invasion. (Turns out Scientology wasn't so great after all.)
8:30 FOX COPS
It's the "Stupid Behavior Special Edition"—though I doubt there will be any cops featured here.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3
3:00 FOX SUPER BOWL
Today is a good day to walk around letting the air out of your neighbors' tires—especially the ones with Hummers.
10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD
If you missed the pilot for this awesome show about a meth-dealing chemistry teacher, don't be a dummy twice!
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4
8:00 NBC AMERICAN GLADIATORS
It's round one of the semi-finals, and Wolf is sharpening his claws! Ahhh-ROOOOOOO!
8:30 CBS WELCOME TO THE CAPTAIN
Debut! A young man moves into a legendary apartment building populated by crazies (including Jeffrey Tambor and Raquel Welch)!
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Tonight the auditions are in Atlanta—so expect some hillbillies blowing into a jug.
10:00 ALL NETS SUPER TUESDAY COVERAGE
More like "Super SNOOZE-day Coverage!" HAW!! Did you get what I did right there?
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
For those who just like the embarrassing parts, check out this clip show entitled, "Favorite Moments"!
9:00 FOX THE MOMENT OF TRUTH
In order to win half a mill, a pro football player must truthfully answer whether he is "kinda gay, gay, or super gay."