THURSDAY, JANUARY 31

9:00 ABC LOST

Return! Convinced they're about to be rescued, the castaways ignore dead Charlie's warning. (Because nobody liked him anyway.)

10:00 ABC ELI STONE

Debut! A d-head lawyer learns he is a modern-day prophet—but is relieved he can still be a d-head.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 1

9:00 USA MONK

Obsessive-compulsive Monk takes up painting, and, like other insane artists, is an instant success!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2

8:00 ABC WAR OF THE WORLDS—Movie

(2005) Tom Cruise fights to save the world against an evil alien invasion. (Turns out Scientology wasn't so great after all.)

8:30 FOX COPS

It's the "Stupid Behavior Special Edition"—though I doubt there will be any cops featured here.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 3

3:00 FOX SUPER BOWL

Today is a good day to walk around letting the air out of your neighbors' tires—especially the ones with Hummers.

10:00 AMC BREAKING BAD

If you missed the pilot for this awesome show about a meth-dealing chemistry teacher, don't be a dummy twice!

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4

8:00 NBC AMERICAN GLADIATORS

It's round one of the semi-finals, and Wolf is sharpening his claws! Ahhh-ROOOOOOO!

8:30 CBS WELCOME TO THE CAPTAIN

Debut! A young man moves into a legendary apartment building populated by crazies (including Jeffrey Tambor and Raquel Welch)!

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

Tonight the auditions are in Atlanta—so expect some hillbillies blowing into a jug.

10:00 ALL NETS SUPER TUESDAY COVERAGE

More like "Super SNOOZE-day Coverage!" HAW!! Did you get what I did right there?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

For those who just like the embarrassing parts, check out this clip show entitled, "Favorite Moments"!

9:00 FOX THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

In order to win half a mill, a pro football player must truthfully answer whether he is "kinda gay, gay, or super gay."