THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: GUATEMALA
Season Premiere! A new group of survivors wash up on some ancient Mayan ruins—now with shambling mummies!

10:30 COM THE SHOWBIZ SHOW
Debut! Smarty-ass David Spade hosts this new show that skewers Hollywood types (like himself).

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16

8:30 WB TWINS
Debut! A pair of twins take control of their parents' lingerie company. Cue the naked models!

9:00 CBS THRESHOLD
Debut! Hotsy scientists make first contact with butt-poking aliens!

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17

8:30 PBS THE GRATEFUL DEAD MOVIE
(1977) For those unable to muster up the courage to kill themselves, check out this horrifyingly annoying concert film.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18

8:00 CBS EMMY AWARDS
Ellen DeGeneres hosts this ceremony historically devoted to awarding the worst shows on television.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19

8:00 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Season Premiere! The Bluth family returns for another hilarious season! This episode: Michael ruins everything for everybody.

8:30 CBS HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER
Debut! Doogie Howser and Willow from Buffy star in this new sitcom about a loser looking for a wifey.

9:00 WB JUST LEGAL
Debut! A legal prodigy hooks up with a washout lawyer (Don Johnson) in the 5,937th law show of the season.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20

9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Season Premiere! Steve Carrell is back as the clueless boss in last season's break-out hit.

10:00 FX NIP/TUCK
Season Premiere! Christian gets his face sliced off, while Sean looks for a new partner. What a jerk!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21

8:00 NBC THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART
Debut! This week the contestants learn to make decorative electronic ankle bracelets.

8:00 UPN AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Season Premiere! Meow! Meow! Pfffft!! Pfffft!!

9:00 ABC LOST
Season Premiere! The castaways finally discover what's inside the mysterious hatch—and it smells poopy!