THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 ABC ALIAS
Season Premiere! Syd learns Vaughn might be a double-agent—and a double-deadbeat dad!
8:00 WB SMALLVILLE
Season Premiere! Clark is stuck in the icy "Fortress of Solitude," which means no shirtless scenes.
8:00 FOX THE O.C.
Marissa is forced into an unthinkably horrible situation—attending public school!
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
8:30 FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Season Premiere! Malcolm and Reese learn the horrors of hippies at Burning Man.
10:00 FX NIP/TUCK
Christian and Liz perform cosmetic surgery on an ape—and then have a threesome.
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Season Premiere! The hilarious Steve Carell hosts, along with musical guest and Bush basher Kanye West!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2
8:00 VH1 BRITNEY SPEARS' SECRET CHILDHOOD
An exploration of Brit's hillbilly past—with special expert commentary from yours truly, Wm.™ Steven Humpy!
10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
After learning he may have been adopted, Larry goes on a spiritual journey of annoyance.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
Rita (Charlize Theron) is under the impression Michael doesn't have a family—until the Bluths invite her to a family party.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4
9:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL
Earl tries to make good on an immoral gambling bet in this very funny new sitcom.
9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
While Michael and Dwight are away, Jim and Pam organize the office Olympics!
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5
8:00 WB ONE TREE HILL
Season Premiere! For those who give a crap that this boring show is back for another season... it's back for another season.
9:00 ABC LOST
Jack, Locke, and Kate learn more about the mysterious hatch, and Michael, Sawyer, and Jin learn more about the assholes who kidnapped them.