THURSDAY, JANUARY 5

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season Premiere! D-list actors trip over their big dumb feet in this hilarious reality contest!

9:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Michael takes the employees on a motivational booze cruise. Horror ensues.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6

9:00 NBC THE BOOK OF DANIEL
Debut! Former hottie Aidan Quinn stars as preacher raising a family of hell-bound sinners. Repent!

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
Season Premiere! Battlestar's back, and duking it out with the Pegasus to see who can kill the most Cylons!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7

9:00 SCIFI CAVED IN: PREHISTORIC TERROR—Movie
(2005) Dumb spelunkers battle an army of ass-biting prehistoric rhinoceros beetles.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8

8:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Lynette catches Gabrielle with her tongue wedged down Tom's throat!

8:00 NBC WEST WING
Get yer hankies, it's the last episode featuring the late actor, John "Leo" Spencer.

MONDAY, JANUARY 9

9:00 ABC EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT
Debut! Heather Graham stars as an indecisive 20-nothing who can't land a man.

10:00 ABC THE BACHELOR: PARIS
Season Premiere! This time around, the bachelor is a handsome doctor (EEEEEEEE!!!) who woos the ladies in Paris! (EEEEEEEE!!!)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10

8:00 UPN BLUE CRUSH—Movie
(2002) Three surfing hotties train for a contest and reel in hunks of sweet, sweet man meat.

10:00 FX THE SHIELD
Season Premiere! A new chief is in (Forest Whitaker) and Vic is being drummed out!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11

8:00 UPN SOUTH BEACH
Debut! Matt and Vince leave Brooklyn to score tail in Miami—and find adventure instead!

9:00 ABC LOST
A new episode in which Mr. Eko busts Charlie's chops about the heroin-filled Virgin Mary statue.