THURSDAY, APRIL 13

9:00 FOX THE O.C.

Ryan hooks it up with one of the waitresses from his mom's café! That's right... kiss his grits!

9:30 NBC THE OFFICE

A painfully funny repeat wherein Michael awards the employees of Dunder-Mifflin at a ceremony entitled "The Dundies."

FRIDAY, APRIL 14

8:00 WB SURVIVAL OF THE RICHEST

When the rich kids have to work at a homeless shelter, they fear they may catch "poor cooties."

9:30 MTV2 WONDER SHOWZEN

Don't forget! This hilarious (and dirty!) parody of kids' shows is now in its offensive second season!

SATURDAY, APRIL 15

8:00 WB THE MESSENGER—Movie

(1999) Milla Jovovich stars as the sexiest Joan of Arc EVER! In fact, she makes ME see God!

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Lindsay Lohan hosts, and makes fun of drug use and bulimia. HAW! HILARIOUS!

SUNDAY, APRIL 16

8:00 NBC THE WEST WING

Washed-up co-stars from past West Wing episodes show up for Leo's funeral. Oh, hello ROB LOWE.

10:00 ABC WHAT ABOUT BRIAN

Debut! A single guy refuses to grow up. Hey, the networks have finally discovered "slackers."

MONDAY, APRIL 17

9:00 FOX 24

Martial law is still in effect, making it very difficult for Jack to kill terrorists after curfew.

TUESDAY, APRIL 18

8:00 WB GILMORE GIRLS

Zach and Lane's pre-wedding parties are ruined because of Stars Hollow's lack of sufficient prostitutes.

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

It's down to the final seven, which means all of us who have been bored crapless with this show can finally start watching.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 19

8:00 ABC ALIAS

Yay! It's the two-hour return of Alias. (Oh, is that show still on the air?)

10:30 MTV TIARA GIRLS

Debut! A searing look into the world of beauty pageants (the only place where Vaseline is intended for teeth).