THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Season Premiere! Clark is sentenced to jail in another dimension, where the inmates think he has a "real purty mouth."
8:00 ABC UGLY BETTY
Debut! A plain Juanita becomes an executive assistant in a fancy honky fashion house.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
8:00 FOX CELEBRITY DUETS
Season Finale! Surprise, famous people can sing. Isn't that what we pay them to do?
8:00 SCI DOCTOR WHO
Season Premiere! Jerky aliens threaten to ruin Christmas for everyone (luckily, it's still three months away).
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
8:00 TOON FANTASTIC FOUR
When Skrull warriors move in next door to the Baxter Building, it's housewarming/clobberin' time!
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1
7:00 CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS
Season Premiere! It's the return of this sweet and funny sitcom... co-starring Whoopi Goldberg?? BOOOO!!!!
8:30 CW THE GAME
Debut! Just in case you're ever in a really tough trivia match, this show is a spin-off of Girlfriends. Which you've never heard of.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 2
9:00 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season Premiere! The bachelorettes are ecstatic to be in Rome with a handsome guy—until half of them are sent home for being too ugly. HAW!
9:00 E! HOUSE OF CARTERS
Debut! Backstreet Boy Nick Carter, his brother Aaron, and three sisters star in this super dysfunctional family reality show.
TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3
8:00 NBC FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS
Debut! A small high school football team prepares for their first big game with some locker room ass grabbing.
9:00 CW VERONICA MARS
Season Premiere! Veronica and the gang head to college to solve "The Mystery of the Missing Keg Tap."
WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4
9:00 ABC LOST
Season Premiere! Jack, Kate, and Sawyer are imprisoned—until they can figure out some way of making this show interesting again.
10:00 ABC THE NINE
Debut! The lives of nine people go all futzy after a botched bank robbery.