THURSDAY, MARCH 13
8:00 CW SMALLVILLE
Clark's old pal Pete chews some kryptonite-laced gum and develops superpowers. SHEESH!
9:00 ABC LOST
Desmond and Sayid meet the captain of the rescue boat, who (surprise!) isn't who he seems.
FRIDAY, MARCH 14
8:00 FOX THE RETURN OF JEZEBEL JAMES
Debut! This sitcom stinker stars the once-awesome Parker Posey. O, how the mighty have fallen!
SATURDAY, MARCH 15
11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE
Superbad's Jonah Hill hosts with musical guest Janet Jackson (or Ms. Jackson if one is so nastily inclined).
SUNDAY, MARCH 16
8:00 HBO JOHN ADAMS—Mini-Series
Debut! Colonial hilarity ensues when wife Abigail Adams accidentally invites a redcoat to dinner!
11:30 COM KENNY VS. SPENNY
The hilarious friend vs. friend competition continues with "Who Can Withstand the Most Torture?"
MONDAY, MARCH 17
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
Season premiere! Guttenberg! Guttenberg! Guttenberg! Mothereffing Guttenberg!!
9:30 ABC THE BACHELOR
Season premiere! Would be much better if it featured Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg.
TUESDAY, MARCH 18
10:00 FX THE RICHES
Season premiere! Last season a family of gypsies assumed new identities in a rich neighborhood, this season they're fighting to stay!
10:30 ABC MISS/GUIDED
Debut! Remember the secretary in Arrested Development who always said, "Say good-bye to these!"? She's in this, and it looks good!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
Supermodel Vendela drops in to whip those wannabe bitches into shape!
9:00 MYTV EASTER'S FUNNIEST MOMENTS
Oh, you mean like when those Romans stripped Jesus and put him on the cross? Dude, he was so PUNK'D!