THURSDAY, MARCH 13

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Clark's old pal Pete chews some kryptonite-laced gum and develops superpowers. SHEESH!

9:00 ABC LOST

Desmond and Sayid meet the captain of the rescue boat, who (surprise!) isn't who he seems.

FRIDAY, MARCH 14

8:00 FOX THE RETURN OF JEZEBEL JAMES

Debut! This sitcom stinker stars the once-awesome Parker Posey. O, how the mighty have fallen!

SATURDAY, MARCH 15

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Superbad's Jonah Hill hosts with musical guest Janet Jackson (or Ms. Jackson if one is so nastily inclined).

SUNDAY, MARCH 16

8:00 HBO JOHN ADAMS—Mini-Series

Debut! Colonial hilarity ensues when wife Abigail Adams accidentally invites a redcoat to dinner!

11:30 COM KENNY VS. SPENNY

The hilarious friend vs. friend competition continues with "Who Can Withstand the Most Torture?"

MONDAY, MARCH 17

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Season premiere! Guttenberg! Guttenberg! Guttenberg! Mothereffing Guttenberg!!

9:30 ABC THE BACHELOR

Season premiere! Would be much better if it featured Steve Mothereffing Guttenberg.

TUESDAY, MARCH 18

10:00 FX THE RICHES

Season premiere! Last season a family of gypsies assumed new identities in a rich neighborhood, this season they're fighting to stay!

10:30 ABC MISS/GUIDED

Debut! Remember the secretary in Arrested Development who always said, "Say good-bye to these!"? She's in this, and it looks good!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Supermodel Vendela drops in to whip those wannabe bitches into shape!

9:00 MYTV EASTER'S FUNNIEST MOMENTS

Oh, you mean like when those Romans stripped Jesus and put him on the cross? Dude, he was so PUNK'D!