THURSDAY, MARCH 20

8:00 ABC MISS GUIDED

A hot substitute teacher chooses not-so-hot Becky over super-hot Lisa.

9:00 ABC LOST

Sayid opens up a can of whup-ass on the long-missing Michael—and who exactly is the sixth person of the Oceanic Six?

FRIDAY, MARCH 21

8:00 BET LEPRECHAUN: BACK 2 THA HOOD

(2003) A murderous rapping leprechaun visits the ghetto, and... wow. Do you really need to hear any more?

SATURDAY, MARCH 22

8:00 ABC THE TEN COMMANDMENTS—Movie

(1956) Moses gets lost in the desert, and nearly burned by a bush in this hilarious biblical comedy.

9:00 SCIFI ROCK MONSTER—Movie

(2008) WHAT?! Ohhhhh... I thought they said something else.

SUNDAY, MARCH 23

8:00 CW EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS

Chris celebrates the worst holiday of all in this aptly titled episode, "Everybody Hates Easter."

9:00 PBS MASTERPIECE

The Jane Austen series continues with Kate Beckinsale starring in Emma. (Wasn't this story based on Clueless?)

MONDAY, MARCH 24

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Can someone please turn up the music a bit for Marlee Matlin? Thanks.

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Season premiere! The unscripted spoiled brat soap opera returns for a new season (now with extra "scripting")!

TUESDAY, MARCH 25

8:00 CW BEAUTY AND THE GEEK

Tragedy strikes the show when the asthmatic geeks attempt to play flag football.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26

8:00 FOX THE MOMENT OF TRUTH

This awesome game show breaks up more shaky marriages than The Amazing Race!

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

The girls get a chance to be photographed nude. Umm... do we get a choice in this?