THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19

8:00 CW SMALLVILLE

Clark discovers the secret identity of the Green Arrow, and renames him "that pussy who shoots arrows."

8:30 NBC THE OFFICE

Dwight escorts Ryan on his first sales call—to the Schrute beet farm!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20

9:00 SCI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Sharon attempts to organize the insurgents... which I think would be far more effective if she wore a bikini.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21

11:00 AM A&E MI-5 MARATHON!

Eight awesome episodes of this smart and sassy Brit secret agent drama!

8:00 ABC HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS—Movie

(2002) To tell you the truth, I can't tell which one is which anymore. But I think this one is pre-puberty.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22

10:00 TOON PEE-WEE'S PLAYHOUSE

Pee-wee and Miss Yvonne play "store." Plus, Pee-wee is on the receiving end of a "boomerang." Wink. Wink.

10:00 VH1 CELEBRITY PARANORMAL PROJECT

Debut! One of the few shows where you can watch Gilbert Gottfried wet his pants.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 23

8:00 FOX PRISON BREAK

Sucre steals $5 million from the escapees. Sheesh! If you can't trust a prisoner, who can you trust?

9:00 LIF WHY I WORE LIPSTICK TO MY MASTECTOMY—Movie

(2006) Stick around for the double feature, "Why I Ate a Roast Beef Sandwich During My Colonoscopy."

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

Possibly the only show where all the contestants are sleeping with each other. Except Jerry Springer.

9:00 CW VERONICA MARS

It's Veronica to the rescue when poor little rich boy Logan discovers his trust fund is running out!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

This week's special guest star: Fabio! All together now... EEEEEE!!

9:00 ABC LOST

While attempting to escape "The Others," Sawyer's penis slips and falls into Kate's vagina.