THURSDAY, APRIL 3

8:00 NBC MY NAME IS EARL

Season premiere! While Earl is unconscious, he's visited by Paris Hilton! (No Earl, you're not in hell.)

8:30 ABC MISS GUIDED

Season finale! This week, the very special guest star is Bruce Willis' daughter. Hmm... better luck next season, guys.

FRIDAY, APRIL 4

10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

Season premiere! Starbuck returns to the ship and the first thing she wants to know is, "WHO ATE MY PORK LOG?"

10:00 CBS NUMB3RS

Post-Strike Return! You'd think the writers' strike would've given them time to come up with a better name.

SATURDAY, APRIL 5

8:00 ABC HARRY POTTER AND THE SORCERER'S STONE—Movie

(2001) Can one of you nerds tell me what this one's about? I can't tell them apart.

SUNDAY, APRIL 6

8:00 NBC MONK/PSYCH DOUBLE FEATURE!

For those unlucky few who don't have basic cable, here's your chance to check out two of the USA network's cutest series.

11:30 COM KENNY VS. SPENNY

Tonight's competition: "Who can make the best viral video?" How about a fat kid swinging a light saber and lip synching "Chocolate Rain"?

MONDAY, APRIL 7

8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS

They should have a show called Dancing with the Bears, that pairs up celebs with angry grizzlies. Just an idea.

9:30 ABC SAMANTHA WHO?

Post-Strike Return! Sam must reclaim her apartment from her ex-boyfriend. Yep, still not interesting.

TUESDAY, APRIL 8

9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN

The chefs must correctly slice up a halibut. Let's hope they remember to kill it first.

10:00 CBS SECRET TALENTS OF THE STARS

Debut! Ooh, I have one! Tom Cruise is a nutbag who believes in aliens!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9

8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL

It's the annual "Idol Gives Back" episode that raises money for charity. Though it doesn't wash away all their sins, it's a start.

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Clips of the cycle 10 contestants embarrassing themselves even more than normal!