THURSDAY, MAY 1
9:00 NBC THE OFFICE
Things will most assuredly not go well when Michael tries to give Stanley an "attitude adjustment."
10:00 ABC LOST
Juliet and Kate must stop clawing each other's eyes out in order to save Jack.
FRIDAY, MAY 2
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA
The Galactica discovers a brand-new ship, which unfortunately is crappier than all the other ships.
SATURDAY, MAY 3
8:00 ABC THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA—Movie
(2005) DON'T BE FOOLED: This "lion, witch, and wardrobe" is code for "Jesus, Jesus, and more Jesus."
SUNDAY, MAY 4
7:00 TDIS IRON MAN MARATHON
Six episodes of the classic 1994 cartoon, featuring Iron Man's origin. Activate... nerdgasm!
10:00 SHOW THIS AMERICAN LIFE
Season premiere! NPR Host Ira Glass returns with more true stories of poignant Americana.
MONDAY, MAY 5
8:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS
We're down to the final five, which means only four more episodes until Kristi Yamaguchi wins.
8:00 CW GOSSIP GIRL
Blair and Jenny spread scandalous rumors about each other through the "Gossip Girl" blog—which I've never actually seen any of these people read.
TUESDAY, MAY 6
9:00 CW REAPER
Sam is confused when Andi goes out with Greg—until learning that Greg sold his soul to THE DEVIL!
9:00 FOX HELL'S KITCHEN
The chefs compete in the most difficult challenge yet: pleasing a spoiled 16-year-old!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 7
8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL
The final four models shoot pictures of bitchy judge Paulina Porizkova. Good luck making her look pretty, girls!
10:30 COM LEWIS BLACK'S ROOT OF ALL EVIL
The court judges which is more evil: Viagra or Donald Trump. (Mmm... is the Viagra poisoned?)