THURSDAY, JULY 3

8:00 NBC LAST COMIC STANDING

The 12 most hilarious contestants are chosen, so... say something funny, clowns!

10:30 COM RENO 911!

The deputies bring in an "undercover acting coach" to help them act more like drug dealers and meth heads.

FRIDAY, JULY 4

9:00 NBC MACY'S FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR

I assume they're not setting these things off in the store.

10:00 CBS BOSTON POPS FIREWORKS SPECTACULAR

Ooh, they've got the same name as Macy's "Fireworks Spectacular"! There's gonna be a slap fight!

SATURDAY, JULY 5

9:00 COM LEWIS BLACK: RED, WHITE & SCREWED

Comedian Lewis Black waxes poetic on how freaking GREAT it is to be an American! (Note sarcasm.)

SUNDAY, JULY 6

9:00 TLC THE SINGING OFFICE

Hotel employees try to outsing an elementary school—which should be easy since kids sing like crap.

9:00 VH1 I LOVE MONEY

Debut! Cast members of Flavor of Love, Rock of Love, and I Love New York humiliate themselves once again for money.

MONDAY, JULY 7

8:00 ABC THE BACHELORETTE

Season finale! DeAnna tries to determine which of the remaining two douchebags is the least douchey.

8:00 NBC AMERICAN GLADIATOR

A college student takes on a much older businessman. (Note: Yelling, "C'mon, Grandpa!" is not allowed.)

TUESDAY, JULY 8

8:00 NBC CELEBRITY FAMILY FEUD

Cast members from The Office take on the brutes of American Gladiators. Kick their asses, Phyllis!

8:00 ABC WIPEOUT

A new gang of sucker... umm... contestants fall victim to the most hilarious obstacle courses ever!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 9

8:00 NBC BABY BORROWERS

It's toddler week for the teen couples, which means someone is getting covered with poopy.

10:00 MTV THE REAL WORLD

Season finale! The 20th season ends with tears, hugs, and more than a little vomit. (Things haven't changed much.)