THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23

10:00 VH1 CELEBRITY REHAB WITH DR. DREW

Season premiere! Dr. Drew returns with more sky-high celebs—and some motivational help from cuckoo Gary Busey!

10:30 COM THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

Sarah believes she sees Osama bin Laden on the street. OMG! That's the "October surprise!"

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24

8:00 AMC HALLOWEEN—Movie

(1978) I like this Mike Myers better than the other Mike Myers. Who's with me?!

9:00 NBC CRUSOE

Crusoe loses his wedding ring; his gay slave, Friday, comforts him.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Mad Men's Jon Hamm hosts, Coldplay performs... along with possible special guest Sarah Palin?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26

8:00 NBC THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN—Movie

(2005) Steve Carell learns the basics of "inserting tab A" into "slot B."

10:00 AMC MAD MEN

Season finale! With Don still missing, the office scrambles to keep up with their sexual harassment quota.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27

8:00 NBC CHUCK

A Buy More efficiency expert doesn't think Chuck is using his customer service/battling international terrorist time effectively.

10:00 MTV THE HILLS

Lauren wonders whether she should bleach her mustache, while Audrina can't see it because of her large teeth.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28

10:00 OXY COOLIO'S RULES

Debut! Coolio's new catering business hits a snag when his family says, "Umm... aren't you supposed to be a rapper?"

10:00 FX THE SHIELD

David's bid for mayor gets sidetracked by an annoying federal ethics investigation.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29

8:00 CBS/ABC/FOX BARACK OBAMA'S MESSAGE

A 30-minute infomercial about Barack Obama! Force your racist relatives to watch it!

8:00 CW AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL

When the girls are told they will be flying to a European destination, they complain, "But we don't speak Europe!"