Thursday, May 3

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR

The two-hour season finale, in which the final threesome humiliate each other for the grand prize of one million dollars!

8:00 NBC FRIENDS

Monica and Chandler's wedding vows are superfluous, since everyone will be watching Survivor.


Friday, May 4

8:00 TNT TOP GUN--Movie

(1986) Tom Cruise plays some homoerotic volleyball, and then kills Goose in a plane crash.

9:00 WB POPULAR

The gang is stalked by a masked killer who "knows what they did last spring break!"


Saturday, May 5

6:00 VH1 BANDS ON THE RUN

A reality show in which four shitty bands tour the country and compete for the title of "Not So Shitty" band.

9:00 NBC HAPPY GILMORE--Movie

(1996) Adam Sandler is a hockey-player-turned-golfer in a movie that's actually funny!


Sunday, May 6

9:00 SCI CLAN OF THE CAVE BEAR--Movie

(1986) Darryl Hannah plays a blue-eyed Cro-Mag who pisses off the Neanderthals 'cause she thinks she's all "evolved" and shit.

9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOS

Meadow suspects Jackie Jr. is cheating on her, and Jackie Jr. suspects he may be fitted for a pair of concrete Dockers.


Monday, May 7

8:00 ABC AIR FORCE ONE--Movie

(1997) Rooskies take over Air Force One, which means the president gets to kick some Commie ass!

10:00 COM TV FUNHOUSE

The Anipals visit Triumph the Insult Comic Dog in Atlantic City, and end up puking on their motel bed.


Tuesday, May 8

8:00 WB BUFFY, THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

The gang high-tails it out of Sunnydale when Glory figures out that Dawn is "the key"! Feets, don't fail me now!

8:00 MTV CARMEN

Beyoncè (Destiny's Child) and rapper Mos Def star in the hiphop version of Bizet's opera.


Wednesday, May 9

9:00 NBC WEST WING

Bartlet prepares to tell the country he has MS; the Republicans prepare to eat him like a pork chop.