8:00 FOX GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS
A man ties cinder blocks to his nipples and claims the record for "World's Most Stretchiest Teats."
8:00 OXY HYPE!--Movie
(1996) Director Doug Pray's chronicle of the grunge years. "Hey, look! That's me! In the flannel!"
8:00 FOX THE X-FILES--Movie
(1998) In this film version of the TV show, Mulder and Scully get to say "shit," and would've kissed if she hadn't been stung by a bee.
8:30 WB MAYBE IT'S ME
Debut! Fifteen-year-old gal goes nutso, thanks to freakazoid family. Starring Fred "Best in Show" Willard, and Julia "SNL" Sweeney.
8:00 UPN FOOTLOSS--Movie
(1984) Kevin Bacon stars as a boy whose foot is snapped off in a bear trap--but still teaches the town how to dance!
9:00 TBS THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN--Movie
(1960) Seven gunslingers protect a small village from banditos--and then teach the town how to dance!
Sunday, September 16
8:00 CBS EMMY AWARDS
NO, Buffy didn't get nominated, so NO, I won't be watching this piece of crap!
8:00 FOX INDEPENDENCE DAY--Movie
(1996) When goddam stinkin' aliens blow up his White House, George W. opens up a can of Made-In-America Whup-Ass!
9:30 CBS THE ELLEN SHOW
Debut! Failed TV lesbian gets another shot at having a successful show. (Waitasecond... that's not the plot. That shit is real!)
10:00 NBC CROSSING JORDAN
Debut! Jill Hennessey stars in this remake of Quincy, M.E.... except she's HOT!
8:00 NBC EMERIL
Debut! Dumbshit chef gets his own sitcom.
8:30 FOX UNDECLARED
Debut! Freaks and Geeks goes to college! Recomended!
10:00 CBS WOLF LAKE
Debut! Lou Diamond Phillips stars in this show about ass-eating werewolves in the Pacific Northwest!