Thursday, February 21

8:00 FOX GLUTTON BOWL

Forty fatsos compete to see who can cram the most food down their gullets. Sponsored by Subway!

9:00 PBS FRONTLINE

Watch those yuppie bastards get their due in "Rollover: The Hidden History of the SUV."

Friday, February 22

9:00 A&E EMPIRE OF CRIME

Need a Soprano's fix? Check out this documentary on the history of the NYC mob.

10:00 TNT FIRE DOWN BELOW--Movie

(1997) A movie that's either about Steven Seagal fighting toxic waster dumpers or a urinary tract infection.

Saturday, February 23

8:00 UPN MISERY--Movie

Mystery writer James Caan gets his ankles busted up by crazy fan Kathy Bates!

8:00 TNT THE EXORCIST--Movie

(1973) A young girl who vomits on priests and masturbates with a cross feels better after receiving a prescription for Ritalin.

Sunday, February 24

8:00 TBS UNFORGIVEN--Movie

(1992) Clint Eastwood and Gene Hackman (#2 on the list of world's greatest actors) team up in this Oscar-winning western.

9:00 ABC ALIAS

Sydney and Dixon vow to catch a rogue agent while in Las Vegas--just as soon as they see the Liberace museum.

Monday, February 25

8:30 NBC FEAR FACTOR

A special celebrity edition starring steroid-pumped (but chickenshit) members of the WWF.

Tuesday, February 26

8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

The creators of Buffy continue to shake their viewers' confidence by bringing back that beef-faced muthafucka, Riley.

8:30 NBC WATCHING ELLIE

Debut! Julia Louis-Dreyfus attempts to pull her career out of the crapper with this new post-Seinfeld sitcom.

Wednesday, February 27

9:00 NBC WEST WING

President Bartlet uses chess to illustrate the tensions between the U.S. and China. Christ! It's episodes like this that make you appreciate Bush!