Thursday, May 9
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: MARQUESAS
With only nine days left on the island, the Survivors pass the time by filling their cracks with sand in an attempt to make pearls.
10:00 NBC E.R.
No, this time they mean it: this is Dr. Mark Greene's final episode. Oh, for chrissakes! DIE ALREADY!!
Friday, May 10
8:00 FOX THE SEARCH FOR A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD
Regardless of what you cynics think, this special is an attempt to showcase the girls' talent--not their titties!
8:00 BET KRUSH GROOVE--Movie
(1985) A record producer lands in trouble with loan sharks--and gets rescued by Run DMC and the Fat Boys!
Saturday, May 11
8:00 UPN UNDER SIEGE--Movie
(1992) When a nuclear battleship is hijacked, it's up to tubby SEAL commando and chef, Steven Seagal, to save the day!
9:00 DIS MVP: MOST VALUABLE PRIMATE--Movie
(2000) A runaway chimp becomes a professional hockey player in what is perhaps the best plot I've ever heard in my life.
Sunday, May 12
9:00 ABC ALIAS
Season Finale! While trying to save the annoying Will Tippen, Sydney, and Vaughn pause to do some tongue wrasslin'.
9:00 NBC L.A. LAW: THE MOVIE
(2002) Saggy-assed ex-hotties return for one more case--and I'm pretty sure I don't remember offering an invitation...
Monday, May 13
9:00 WB ANGEL
Angel and Connor smooch and make up, which means it's finally time to hunt down and kill some vampires.
Tuesday, May 14
8:00 WB BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER
No more betting! On tonight's episode, find out which of the Scoobies is gonna croak!
10:00 MTV THE OSBOURNES
Remember! If you have a post 1992 television, you can program it to receive "closed captioning"--and understand every word Ozzy says!
Wednesday, May 15
8:00 TWC THE WEATHER CHANNEL 20TH ANNIVERSARY SHOW
Wow. And the scary thing is, it's probably more interesting than the Laverne & Shirley reunion special.