9:00 MTV 2002 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Tenacious D's Jack Black and Buffy's Sarah Michelle Gellar host this year's installment of MTV's fawked-in-the-head ceremony.
10:30 COM THE MAN SHOW
Adam and Jimmy set out to boost the ratings for their show with the new installment "Sock Puppet Porn."
9:00 FOX O'REILLY VS. HOLLYWOOD
Fathead gas-bag Bill O'Reilly hosts this live event wherein he offers his right-wing skewed vision about what's wrong with the movie industry.
9:00 MTV HISTORY OF THE MOSH PIT
How the subcultural ritual of punks beating the crap out of each other turned into the mainstream ritual of frat boys beating the crap out of each other.
6:30 ESPN2 NATIONAL SPELLING BEE
Uptight elementary school nerds wet their pants in this hilarious rebroadcast of the National Spelling Bee!
9:00 FAM MYSTIC PIZZA--Movie
(1988) Graduating teens Julia Roberts, Anabeth Gish and Lilly Taylor get their "woman" on while working at a small-town pizza joint.
8:00 COM BEING JOHN MALKOVICH--Movie
(1999) John Cusack stars as a nebbish who discovers the secret tunnel into actor John Malkovich's brain!
9:00 FOX BACHELORETTES IN ALASKA
Hot-n-horny sluts are on the hunt for big-n-beefy man-chunks in the land of grizzlies and guns. Good luck, gals!
10:00 DSC FREAK ACCIDENTS
People who are killed or wounded in hilariously weird ways--and then have the nerve to claim it wasn't their fault!
7:00 UPN WNBA BASKETBALL
The I-5 corridor rivalry continues when the sistahs of the Portland Fire take on the Seattle Storm.
8:30 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
Debut! Hopefuls travel from all over the nation to audition for a recording contract and to be told by the judges they suck big hippo dick.
8:00 USA SUDDEN DEATH--Movie
(1995) Jean-Claude "Wham-Bam" Van Damme uses his martial arts skills and tight ass to protect the V.P. at a hockey game!