Thursday, July 18
8:00 FX STARSHIP TROOPERS--Movie(1997)
Paul Verhoeven's heee-LARIOUS parody of war movies, American culture, space flicks, racism and, in my opinion, The Archies.
10:00 MTV TRUE LIFE
Mr. Nude America sees a headshrinker in this episode entitled, "I'm in Therapy."

Friday, July 19
9:00 NBC FIREHOUSE
A day in the life of New York's Rescue Company No. 4. (You know... I liked firemen better when they weren't "heroes," and they were just "hot.")
9:00 A&E LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR--Movie(1977)
Diane Keaton stars as a horny schoolmarm who finds sex, love, and trouble in the swinging seventies bar scene!

Saturday, July 20
9:00 FOX COPS
This episode features "Stupid Criminals"--as opposed to the brilliant pigs, who never do anything misguided or dumb.
10:00 NBC SHE SPIESDebut!
Natasha Henstridge (Species) is one of three juicy boo-tay girls who hook up with the government to kick crime's ass.

Sunday, July 21
8:00 E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY
The life story of Liza Minnelli--from Broadway, booze and pills, to marrying that weird guy with the eyebrows.
10:30 COM CRANK YANKERS
Foul-mouthed puppets make prank phone calls to unsuspecting schlubs. HA! People are stupid!

Monday, July 22
8:00 ABC M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN'S SIGNS OF FEAR
The director of The Sixth Sense explores what makes people poop their pants.
10:00 NBC MEET MY FOLKS
In this reality game show, horny bachelors compete to win the approval of some hot chicks' parents.

Tuesday, July 23
9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
With only eight contestants left, Simon goes out of his way to ruin their lives forever.

Wednesday, July 24
8:00 FOX 30 SECONDS TO FAME
Contestants get 30 seconds to wow the crowd. Tonight: a contortionist, a juggler, and a "rapping granny."