Thursday, August 8
8:00 ABC EXCESS BAGGAGE--Movie(1997) Poor little rich girl Alicia Silverstone goes on the lam with Hottie McTottie convict Benicio Del Toro!
9:00 NBC WILL & GRACEGay Jack sets up gay Will on a date with gay icon Parker Posey.

Friday, August 9
8:00 MTV TRUE LIFE
Get yer motors running with this undercover peek at teenage street racing.
9:00 A&E THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE--Movie(1981)
Drifter Jack Nicholson gets his middle-aged groove on with married waitress Jessica Lange, and...whoopee! Murder ensues.

Saturday, August 10
5:00 AMC LAWRENCE OF ARABIA--Movie(1962)
Faced with the daunting task of uniting the Arab tribes with the Turks, the Brits call in flamboyant officer Lawrence! ("Flamboyant" naturally meaning "gay.")
8:00 TBS MAGNUM FORCE--Movie(1973)
Dirty Harry cleans up San Francisco, but instead of using a broom and dust-pan, he uses a really big gun and some really dead crooks.

Sunday, August 11
7:00 ABC PETER PAN--Cartoony(1953)
The classic Disney animated feature about a flying boy in green tights and the fairy who wants to "tinker" his "bell."
8:00 COM HAPPY, TEXAS--Movie(1999)
Two escaped convicts are mistaken by a small town for gay beauty pageant organizers (Wow! There sure is a lot of gay stuff going on this week!).

Monday, August 12
9:00 AMC LOVE STORY--Movie(1970)
Rich boy falls for poor girl in this purely heterosexual romantic tale (which gays seem to love).

Tuesday, August 1
8:00 NBC THE RERUN SHOW
Comedians re-enact classic sitcom scripts (and throw in a lot of funny incest jokes). This week: Bewitched and What's Happening!
9:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL
The final five contestants compete. (Oh, for chrissakes! Just hurry up and pick Tamyra, already!)

Wednesday, August 14
8:00 COM CRANK YANKERS
A marathon of episodes featuring dirty-talkin' puppets making prank phone calls to unsuspecting dimwits (waitasecond...is that my phone ringing?).