Thursday, September 5

8:00 ABC THE EDGE--Movie(1997)
Anthony Hopkins and Alec Baldwin battle each other and a "motherfucking bear" in this unintentionally hilarious He-Man epic!

8:30 WB JAMIE KENNEDY EXPERIMENT
Jamie disguises himself as a European choreographer hired to teach the Laker Girls a hot new routine.

Friday, September 6

8:00 UPN STARSHIP TROOPERS--Movie
Doogie Howser and a cast of hotties stomp a planet of bugs in this Paul Verhoeven classic!

9:00 A&E SERPICO--Movie(1973)
Al Pacino stars as the incorruptible cop who gets a bullet up the snoot for rolling over on his dirty precinct.

Saturday, September 7

8:00 USA SCARFACE--Movie(1983)
More Al Pacino! This time, he stars as a Cuban drug lord who promises to stomp the Diaz brothers and Casper Gomez "like-a cock-a-roach."

8:00 NBC FALL PREVIEW SPECIAL
NBC trots out their new fall shows in an unsuccessful attempt to convince us they're not all fucking ridiculous.

Sunday, September 8

9:00 FOX MALCOLM IN THE MIDDLE
Carl hires a trained monkey to do his chores, which would be a good idea if it didn't eventually lead us to living on the Planet of the Apes.

9:00 DSC GLADIATRIX
Hot ancient Roman chicks battle to the death! Break out the lotion and tissue, fellers!

Monday, September 9

8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR CHAMPIONSHIPS1
3 former winners of Fear Factor return to compete for 100 grand, and shove their heads into a bucket of donkey guts.

Tuesday, September 10

8:30 FOX GROUNDED FOR LIFE
When a "positive" pregnancy test is found in the garbage, the family wonders if the father is actually special guest star Run, from Run DMC!

9:00 TVLAND HAPPY DAYS
Marion suspects Howard of cheating on her with a younger woman--a woman by the name of Leather Tuscadero!

Wednesday, September 11

All Times ALL CHANNELS
THE NEVER-ENDING PARADE OF SHOWS ABOUT SEPTEMBER 11TH.

Turn off the TV, and go enjoy your life. Bowling might be nice.