8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: THE AMAZON As the tribe grows smaller, so does my appetite for seeing malnourished women bathing in piranha-infested pools.
9:00 COM SOUTH PARK Stan's dad investigates why South Park residents are mysteriously exploding into a million juicy bits.
8:00 TOON POWERPUFF GIRLS MARATHON Whoopee! An entire night of episodes featuring my favorite prepubescent superheroes (and NO, I am not a pedophile).
10:00 SCI SCARE TACTICS The always-horrific Shannen Doherty hosts a prank show designed to scare the poop out of its victims!
9:00 NBC HUNTER: BACK IN FORCE--Movie (2003) Fred Dryer returns as the now-geriatric Hunter, who joins ex-partner McCall in a search for the perfect adult diaper.
9:00 UPN BLUE VELVET--Movie (1986) In this David Lynch classic, young Kyle MacLachlan follows the trail from a severed ear to an ether-huffing Dennis Hopper.
8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS Like most people, Homer enjoys living with a gay couple so much, he refuses to return home to Marge!
9:00 HBO SIX FEET UNDER Ruth's fascination for the funeral home's weirdo apprentice Arthur takes a turn toward romance.
9:00 UPN PLATINUM Debut! Two brothers fight the system and each other to keep their hiphop label afloat. WORD!
8:00 UPN BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER As the final season mercifully winds to a close, Faith steps up to pull Buffy's two percent body fat out of the fire.
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL There are only seven finalists left--and if Joshua "The Singing Marine" Gracin is one of them, then the terrorists have won!
9:00 WB ANGEL Fred desperately searches for a way to rescue the gang from the evil clutches of Cordy's hotsy-totsy daughter, Jasmine!
9:00 TRAV WORLD POKER TOUR Apparently I'm a gambling addict, because I LOVE this fast-paced, jargon-heavy, million-dollar poker competition!
Let me know when your IQ perks firstname.lastname@example.org.