Thursday, Sept 18 8:00 ABC THREAT MATRIX Debut! An elite team of government agents successfully takes on and destroys terrorist cells. Right. Good luck with those "weapons of mass destruction," guys!
8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS Season Premiere! A new group of castaways compete to see who can win a million bucks, and this year, a "pearl necklace."
Friday, Sept 19 8:00 FX PORKY'S--Movie (1981) A group of well-meaning teens find themselves unknowingly peeking at girls in the shower.
8:30 FOX LUIS Debut! Wonderful film actor Luis Guzman (Out of Sight, Traffic) gets his own stupid sitcom. Congratulations!
Saturday, Sept 20 9:30 am WB MUCHA LUCHA! Kids as Mexican wrestling superheroes! This week: The mighty Flea takes on the "Masked Toilet."
8:00 ABC MISS AMERICA PAGEANT Lacquered ladies from around the United States attempt to convince the judges they aren't soulless automatons.
Sunday, Sept 21 8:00 FOX THE EMMY AWARDS Want to see me put a bullet in my head? Then give Frasier another freakin' Emmy.
Monday, Sept 22 10:00 NBC LAS VEGAS Debut! James Caan and a bunch of pork-able hotties star as security experts in a high-rolling Vegas casino.
Tuesday, Sept 23 8:00 CBS NAVY NCIS Debut! Mark Harmon is a Navy jarhead in this shameless rip-off of JAG and CSI.
8:30 ABC I'M WITH HER Debut! A dweeb gets romantically involved with a fancy Hollywood star. Hilarity and class politics ensue!
9:00 WB ONE TREE HILL Debut! Two half-brothers settle their soap operatic differences on the basketball court. Barely pork-able.
Wednesday, Sept 24 8:00 WB HILARY DUFF'S ISLAND BIRTHDAY BASH The nubile star of Lizzy Maguire turns sixteen and celebrates her birthday on Kauai. Be on the lookout for a pedophilic spread in next month's Rolling Stone.
9:00 NBC THE WEST WING Season Premiere! President Bartlet craps the bed as the Secret Service searches for his missing daughter.
10:00 CBS THE BROTHERHOOD OF POLAND, N.H. Debut! Randy Quaid and Chris Penn star as siblings in this small-town realistic soapster from David E. Kelley.