Thursday, November 6

8:00 FOX TRU CALLING Tru (Buffy's Eliza Dushku) falls for dead guy. Sounds to me like a job for Miss Match!

8:00 CBS SURVIVOR: PEARL ISLANDS The castaways succumb to "The Curse of the Pearl Islands"--also known as "The Backdoor Trots."

Friday, November 7

9:00 NBC MISS MATCH Kate finds a boyfriend for a hooker--and coincidentally, his name is "John"!

10:00 AMC MOTEL HELL--Movie (1980) Farmer Vincent's roadside sausage factory specializes in fine quality meats--of the HUMAN variety!!

Saturday, November 8

8:00 WB THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS--Movie (1993) Tim Burton's animated puppet flick about the mayor of Halloweentown's plot to kidnap Santa!

Sunday, November 9

8:00 HIST WE CAN MAKE YOU TALK Hey, ladies! Think your b-friend is a cheater? This documentary teaches the latest methods of torture and interrogation!

9:00 ABC ALIAS Jack desperately tries to cover up Sydney's murdering past. (Hey, dumb-butt! It wasn't real Sydney, it was clone Sydney! Do I have to explain everything??)

10:00 NBC SAVING PRIVATE LYNCH--Movie (2003) A re-telling of the bullshit story the government made up about rescuing a P.O.W. file clerk.

Monday, November 10

9:00 FOX SKIN Pornographer Larry donates money to D.A. Kevin's campaign; meanwhile their kids are still porking each other's brains out.

Tuesday, November 11

9:00 FOX 24 Jack discovers his addiction is beginning to interfere with his job (hey, just like me!).

10:30 MTV RICH GIRLS In this episode, the girls search for the perfect pair of shoes (to be primarily used for kicking homeless people).

Wednesday, November 12

8:00 WB SMALLVILLE Thanks to the meteor shower, a high school kid develops the ability to make the entire cast take their shirts off. Whoopee!!

9:00 NBC WEST WING The Bartlet campaign continues its swirl down the toilet, leaving the White House no choice but to start a war with Iraq.

Money talks and bull poop walks.

steve@portlandmercury.com