THURSDAY, MARCH 4
8:00 TVLAND STARSKY & HUTCH MARATHON Classic episodes from the gayest cop team since Cagney & Lacey!
9:00 SCI MAD MAD HOUSE Debut! Five practitioners of the "alternative lifestyle" creep the shit out of a gang of stuck-up normal people.
FRIDAY, MARCH 5
8:00 FOX TEST THE NATION 2 Leeza Gibbons returns to administer an IQ test to viewers and the studio audience. My brain's hurting already!
9:30 WB THE HELP Debut! Class struggles abound when a maid and her staff take on their wealthy employers (featuring the triumphant return of Tori Spelling!).
SATURDAY, MARCH 6
8:00 OXY WHALE RIDER--Movie (2002) An adorable Maori girl defies tradition and her grampy to lead her tribe.
9:30 FX MAXIM'S THE GIRL NEXT DOOR The hormonally challenged magazine looks for a nice girl with a wholesome image--so they can turn her into a dirty slut.
SUNDAY, MARCH 7
9:00 ABC ALIAS Sloane reveals a gruesome secret; he's actually Sydney's baby-daddy! EWWWWWW!
9:00 HBO THE SOPRANOS Season Premiere! Tony is caught between a rock and a hard place--a nagging wife and a truckload of new mobsters.
MONDAY, MARCH 8
9:00 NBC THE UNAUTHORIZED CHARLIE'S ANGELS--Movie (2004) A behind-the-scenes re-creation of the back-bites, cat-fights, and bitch slaps on the set of Charlie's Angels.
TUESDAY, MARCH 9
8:00 FOX AMERICAN IDOL It's "Wild Card Night," which means those jerks better bring back William "She Bangs" Hong!
9:30 FOX CRACKING UP Debut! A wealthy family's introverted son is counseled by a psych student (Jason Schwartzman from Rushmore).
10:00 FX THE SHIELD Season Premiere! After looting the money train, Vic loses control over his greedy team of dirty cops.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10
9:00 WB SMALLVILLE It's "Viewer's Choice" night, where the audience gets to choose which episode will air. I'm voting for "Clark takes his Shirt Off."
10:00 HBO CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM Larry is tempted by an intriguing offer from his dry cleaner.