FRIDAY, APRIL 30 8:00 FOX LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER--Movie Angelina Jolie pumps up her breasts to the size of her lips in order to play the videogame heroine. 9:00 VH1 CHILD STAR BABYLON Icky, true tales of child stars and their long, hard falls into the shitpile.
SATURDAY, MAY 1 8:00 NBC TWISTER--Movie (1996) God takes his revenge on Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt by attacking them with tornadoes. Way to go, God! 9:30 COM SOUTH PARK The kids find out the hard way that their parents were right; Ninja throwing stars can put someone's eye out.
SUNDAY, MAY 2 8:00 FOX THE SIMPSONS Homer battles evildoers by becoming Springfield's newest superhero, Pie Man. 9:00 ABC ALIAS After being almost tortured to death by his traitorous wife, Vaughn says, "That's it--we're going to counseling!"
MONDAY, MAY 3 8:00 NBC FEAR FACTOR Former contestants return to the show for one more bite of syphilitic donkey testicles.
TUESDAY, MAY 4 9:00 FOX 24 Tony must choose between protecting his wife and doing his duty (by the way, Tony's "duty" is pleasing that booty). 10:00 FX THE SHIELD A gang war is on the verge of breaking out, and it's up to Claudette to intervene, or take some of her vacation days.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 5 9:00 FOX THE O.C. It's Julie and Caleb's wedding day, which means somebody is going to get socked in the face and fall into the pool. 9:00 WB ANGEL Angel and Spike rush to Rome to save Buffy from the Immortal (and fight over who gets to bone her).