THURSDAY, MARCH 3
9:00 NBC THE APPRENTICE When the contestants are forced to build mini-golf courses, someone is fired because their hole's too small.
10:00 NBC LAW & ORDER: TRIAL BY JURY Debut! The 18th spin-off of the Law & Order series, starring Bebe Neuwirth. My GOD! It's like freakin' herpes!
FRIDAY, MARCH 4
9:00 CMT PEACEMAKERS Tom Berenger stars as an old-timey turn-o'-the-century sheriff who solves crimes with high-falutin' big-city science stuff.
10:00 SCIFI BATTLESTAR GALACTICA Commander Adama is suspected of being a Cylon when he lets it slip that his dipstick is reading a quart low.
SATURDAY, MARCH 5
8:00 PBS FUNNY BLOKES OF ENGLISH COMEDY Other than watching my grandmother break a hip, this is the un-funniest thing I can think of.
SUNDAY, MARCH 6
8:30 FOX ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Two new episodes back-to-back, in which Michael suspects he may be having a baby, and Buster's hand gets bitten off by a seal.
9:00 HBO DEADWOOD Season Premiere! The rootin'est tootin'est dirty talkin' cowboy show is back for a second great season. Don't miss it!
MONDAY, MARCH 7
9:00 SHO FAT ACTRESS Debut! Cheers' Kirstie Alley stars in a Curb Your Enthusiasm-style comedy about being… umm… fat and an actress.
9:30 NBC THE CONTENDER Debut! Sly Stallone hosts this new reality show where up 'n' coming boxers give each other brain damage and then forget to claim the grand prize.
TUESDAY, MARCH 8
10:00 ABC BLIND JUSTICE Debut! A recently blinded street cop insists he can still do his job and carry a gun. Handicapped hilarity ensues!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 9
9:00 ABC ALIAS Sydney suspects Sloane is trying to rebuild his old evil organization The Alliance. No shit, Syd-lock!
9:30 FOX THE SIMPLE LIFE While interning at a day care, Paris learns she's a natural with kids, after teaching them how to shoot their own home porno.