THURSDAY, JUNE 30

9:00 NBC HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME Or as I like to call it, "Look How Fat They've Gotten!" This week with fat Missing Persons, and fat The Fixx.

9:00 FOX THE O.C. When Kirsten discovers Sandy's been hiding his ex-girlfriend, it's time for a middle-age cat fight!

FRIDAY, JULY 1

8:00 TVLAND SYBIL--Movie (1976) TV Land is showing classic TV movies all week, and tonight it's Sybil starring plucky Sally Field as a 17-personality schizophrenic!

SATURDAY, JULY 2

8:00 ABC LIVE 8 The charity concert set to coincide with the G8 summit. Yeah! A song from Oasis will stop those bureaucratic fat cats!

8:00 TVLAND HELTER SKELTER--Movie (1976) More classic TV movie fun with a sanitized, but still creepy Chuck Manson!

SUNDAY, JULY 3

8:00 UPN VERONICA MARS Veronica's pal Mac discovers she was switched at birth--into a poor family! Boooo!

9:00 HBO ENTOURAGE Vince goes up against Leo DiCaprio in the Aquaman movie. Oh my god, is it gonna suck.

MONDAY, JULY 4

9:00 NBC MACY'S 4TH OF JULY FIREWORKS Now you can scare the shit out of your pets inside your own home!

9:00 TNT THE CLOSER Though I've pooh-poohed this detective show starring Kyra Sedgwick--it's pretty good! So I remove the pooh-pooh.

TUESDAY, JULY 5

10:00 FX RESCUE ME The firehouse votes on whether they should let drunk Tommy back in.

10:30 MTV THE '70S HOUSE Debut! A new reality show where today's kids are trapped in a Brady Bunch-style house from the '70s.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 6

9:00 ABC DANCING WITH THE STARS Season Finale! Don't miss the exciting conclusion of the geekiest show of the year!

10:00 FX 30 DAYS A conservative heterosexual spends 30 days immersed in gay culture--and it takes him a week to learn how to say, "Fabulous!"