THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
8:30 NBC THE OFFICE
Season Premiere! Michael accidentally outs Oscar—bringing down a gay jihad on his head.
10:00 ABC SIX DEGREES
Debut! Six New York strangers have no idea of their impact on each other's lives. (And NO, Kevin Bacon isn't one of them.)
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22
8:00 CBS GHOST WHISPERER
Season Premiere! The ghosts stage an intervention with Melinda, begging her to start SPEAKING UP.
8:00 FOX NANNY 911
Out of control triplets and a childish father cause a stressed-out mom to go all Andrea Yates.
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 23
9:00 SCI KRAKEN: TENTACLES OF THE DEEP—Movie
(2006) Undersea scientists are terrorized by a giant hiphop squid, who keeps telling them to "get it crackin'!"
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24
9:00 ABC DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Season Premiere! The producers have promised that this season will be more entertaining. Really? So sorry to put you to any trouble!
10:00 ABC BROTHERS & SISTERS
Debut! Calista Flockhart plays an Ann Coulter-ish conservative radio host—as if we needed another reason to hate her!
MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
9:00 NBC HEROES
Debut! Ordinary people develop super powers—and yet what happens when I try to get bitten by a radioactive spider? ZILCH.
9:00 CW RUNAWAY
Debut! Wrongly accused of murder, a father takes his family on the lam. Can we at least stop for ice cream first?
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
8:00 CW GILMORE GIRLS
Season Premiere! After a blowout with Luke, hot MILF Lorelai hops in the sack with Christopher.
8:00 FOX HOUSE
Dr. House finds a unique way to treat a 10-year-old who inexplicably screams—with a ball gag.
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
8:00 CBS JERICHO
With a nuclear fallout cloud on the way, Jake improvises a makeshift shelter out of duct tape and condoms.
9:00 ABC LOST
For those who thrive on confusion, here's a Lost clip show covering the last two seasons.