1 Billion B.C. ­ Cavemen raid beehives, gorging themselves on honey. Scientists believe resulting "sugar rush" enabled early man to enslave, domesticate, and then systematically murder all dinosaurs.

0 B.C. ­ Christ gets frankincense and myrrh for birthday, which are not edible, and not what he specifically asked for (candy). 32 years later, he dies--allowing Cadbury Eggs to show up every year on date of death. Thanks, Christ!

1519 ­ "Cacau" (or, as civilized civilizations spell it, "Nestlé Qwik") discovered in Mexico.

1800s ­ Cheap-ass American entrepreneurs discover sweet beet juice is cheaper than sugar, paving way for candy to be enjoyed by the masses--before, only rich bastards like fat asshole Henry VIII could enjoy candy.

1873 ­ Magical candy-making creatures Oompa Loompas discovered in heretofore impenetrable region of the Congo. Immediately killed by white explorers for sport.

1900 ­ Milton Hershey makes first Hershey's Chocolate Bar. Worldwide acceptance follows, though he still gets shit beat out of him on near-daily basis for being named "Milton."

1904 ­ Tennessee candy makers William Morrison and John C. Wharton introduce "Fairy Floss" to St. Louis World's Fair. Sick of defending their heterosexuality, they change name to "cotton candy."

1940 ­ M&Ms invented, reportedly to allow WWII troops candy that didn't gum up trigger fingers--allowing them to kill as many goddamn Nazis as possible.

1941-1979 ­ Nothing that interesting happens.

1980 ­ Bill Murray's immortal "Groundskeeper Carl" tosses fecal-like Baby Ruth candy bar into the heavily populated swimming pool in Caddyshack.

2004 ­ Mercury's candy issue causes 98% of Portlanders to simultaneously develop lethal cases of diabetes.