Farao Chocolate Cigarettes/Spider-Man Candy Cigarettes

For those who love the taste of smoking, but hate the lung cancer, there're a variety of candy cigarettes on the market for you. And while smoking already looks cool, nothing raises your 4th grade cool quotient like puffing away on a Spider-Man Candy Stick. (Apparently, it's illegal to advertise these sugary sticks as cigarettes--but since each comes with a red simulated flame on the end... who do they think they're fooling?) While the Spider-Man brand is a bit chalky for my taste, there's nothing more soothing after a tough multiplication exam than sucking on a candy stick behind the teeter-totter.

For the chocolate lover, the Mercury recommends the Farao brand chocolate cigarette. Smooth, creamy chocolate wrapped in paper, and encased in a very realistic packaging reminiscent of Camel straights. The downside? It takes 20 freaking minutes to unwrap a single smoke! Look, if I need a fix, I need it NOW--not in half an hour! So quit fuckin' around with me, man! I NEED the CANDY! Like, now!!! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Skittles

Ah, sweet capsules of the glorious rainbow. As your myriad of gleeful tastes cascade upon my palette, I thank the heavens above for whoever conceived your delicious combination of a hard candy shell, slightly chewy fruit-flavored innards, and a texture as soft as the feathery wings of angels. For who could have created these miniature goblets of perfection? God? Nay! This is what God merely wishes he could create! ERIK HENRIKSEN

Werther's Original

Were I 89-years-old and living in Shady Acres Retirement Village, these bland caramel lozenges might blow my mind. Then again, most of my taste buds would probably be atrophied. But I guess that explains why old people can't get enough of these goddamn butterscotch things. EH

Cadbury Milk Chocolate Eggs

I think they actually put crack in these. There cannot be any other explanation why they taste so fucking good. Whoever invented the candy shell for these suckers should get a Noble Prize. When they crack against your teeth, tingles run from your jaw to your eardrum. Its like your mouth is enjoying a squirty orgasm. These eggs are available only three months a year, but anticipation, as with all things, makes the pleasure more intense. LEA SANDERS-WILCOX

Spider-Man 2®-Brand Sour Gummy Mutant Spiders

I'm pretty sure that if I eat enough of these, they'll give me Spider-Man's powers. So I'm going to keep eating them. Lots of them. Even though they taste like little gobs of shit with sugar sprinkled on them. EH

3 Musketeers

As this is officially the most boring candy bar ever--I think I actually fell asleep while eating it--I'd like to use this space to note that Marjorie Skinner and Katie Shimer were both full of shit when they wrote that story about how they supposedly "don't like candy" [See "We Hate Candy," page 13]. They're just trying to be grouchy. I've witnessed both of them eating candy, with Ms. Shimer proclaiming, "I love you, Kit-Kat!" and Ms. Skinner shouting, "I wish I could eat giant piles of sugar for every meal!" They're both fucking liars. EH

Abba-Zabba

The mental picture of white taffy and peanut butter doesn't inherently tickle the taste buds--but in reality, it somehow works. The Abba-Zabba is a genuinely tasty candy bar, with a stripe of creamy peanut goodness somehow implanted inside a very thin hunk of taffy. The trade-off for this stroke of culinary-architectural genius is a consistency as rigid as the Rock of Gibraltar. You'll need a hacksaw to actually get a piece of fresh Abba-Zabba into your mouth. If you insist on using your teeth, be sure to leave it out in the sun for a while. Your mouth will thank you for it later. JUSTIN WESCOAT SANDERS

Harry Potter Chocolate Frog

While originally disappointed that this chocolate frog didn't hop, it does have delightful crunchy candy embedded inside and also comes with a Collectible Wizard Card! I got Professor Flitwick--who I guess is alright--but I was really hoping for Dumbledore. EH

Nerds

As I remember, these taste like dry Grape Nuts cereal. I say "as I remember" because the Nerds box is really hard to open, as if it were made so only six-year-olds could open it. I made a valiant effort utilizing a variety of tools--such as pencils, thumbtacks, and keys--but after 20 minutes, I'd experienced enough confusion, anger, self-loathing, hunger, and, finally, ambivalence. So I say, "Fuck those Nerds." EH

Wonka Bar

Author Roald Dahl created a magical world in his books, filled with whimsical concoctions and delightfully unpredictable events... and the Wonka Bar manages to fantastically, wholeheartedly disappoint anyone with enough naíveté to eat it. It's chocolate infused with graham cracker bits, which tastes exactly as boring as it sounds. Crap is still crap, even if it is wrapped in a golden ticket. WAIT! What's this? A golden ticket?? WOW! I've gotta run home and show Grandpa Joe! "I never dreamed that I would climb/ over the moon in ecstasy/ But nevertheless, it's there that I'm/ shortly about to be!/ 'Cause I've got a golden ticket/ I've got a golden chance to make my waaaay/ And with a golden ticket, it's a gooooolden daaaaaay!" EH

The Original Candy Bubbles

The Luda company has created the "Original Candy Bubbles," a vial of sugary bubble-blowing solution, replete with bubble wand. Unfortunately, the candy bubbles don't blow as well as the soapy ones, and if you're looking for a fulfilling candy-eating experience you're barking up the wrong tree--bubbles are, after all, almost nothing but air. Sugar addicts will find themselves frustrated and shaky, resorting to drinking the disgusting liquid straight from the bottle, while bubble addicts can have more fun with a bar of hand soap and a faucet. JWS

Pop Rocks

Remember that urban legend about how if you eat Pop Rocks and pour Coke in your mouth, your head will explode? Well, I prepared my will and then tried it, but it doesn't work. It's still a weird sensation, I guess, but I'd hesitate to even call it candy--Pop Rocks are just strange and kind of disgusting. And if that's what you're in the mood for, why not just go out for Ethiopian food? EH

Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans

Having already tackled obscene chemical engineering in foodstuffs (see Popcorn flavored jellybeans, among other atrocities), the folks at Jelly Belly took the obvious next step with this Harry Potter tie-in: candy flavored to taste like human byproducts. And let me just say, you haven't lived until you've tasted vomit-flavored jellybeans. With flavors ranging from earwax to dirt to soap to booger to sardine, I was literally swallowing my own vomit a full hour after consumption. Verdict: EXCELLENT! ZAC PENNINGTON

Harry Potter Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans

I know we just reviewed these, but I just wanted to add that these jellybeans really are awesome, and they're really fun to make your friends eat. (I know, because Marjorie Skinner spat out one of them--a sardine one--and then dashed off to the bathroom, while Zac Pennington ate a vomit one and then almost threw up in his mouth. That shit's hilarious.) EH

E. Frutti's Lunch Bag

In spite of the glaring moral ramifications of gelatin consumption, I have been a lifelong victim of the gummy candy phenomenon--a curse only complicated by the endlessly clever molds the candy companies are always cooking up. Case in point: the E. Frutti Lunch Bag--comprised of five individually wrapped gummy components, including Gummi Mini Burger, Sour Gummi Fries, Gummi Hot Dog, Gummi Cola Party, and Gummi Pizza. Though relieved to find the candies aren't flavored to taste like their fast-food counterparts (especially following my Bertie Bott's experience), I must admit that the flavors that rest within are fairly inconsequential. Verdict: EXCELLENT! ZP

Sour Apple Squeeze Pop

Ingredient #1: Corn Syrup. Ingredient #2: DELICIOUS! Packaged like some sort of water-based lubricant with serving sizes measured in teaspoons, Sour Apple Squeeze Pop is yet another example of creative candy development gone horribly wrong. Sticky, slimy goo with the consistency of L.A. Looks hair gel, Squeeze Gel delivers a mainline of sugar high, and is recommended only for the most experienced of candy connoisseurs. As for me: I think I can smell colors. Verdict: EXCELLENT! ZP

Everlasting Gobstopper

This candy isn't even that good, but it does change colors and flavors while you eat it--which means it's the best food ever created. It's like having a laser light show in your mouth and eating 15 different kinds of candy simultaneously. It also really impresses chicks when you spit out this slimy little ball that changes colors. EH

Candy Finger Paints

Similar in composition to the aforementioned Squeeze Pop, Candy Finger Paints carry on the time-honored candy tradition of brilliant (desperate?) repackaging--dividing the mucous-y gels into individual, paint-by-numbers compartments. Not particularly innovative in composition, but the packaging is benefited by the company's super-liminal (and welcomed) commandment: "Eat More Candy." Verdict: EXCELLENT! ZP

Oogles Black Eye

This candy has been designed to look like an actual human eyeball. You know, I once saw a holiday episode of Fear Factor in which the contestants were forced to consume--among other things--an assortment of reindeer testicles. I'm going to leave it at that. Verdict: AWESOME! ZP

M-Azing

Candy franchising--the notion of releasing a wide variety of new products under the umbrella of an existing product--is one of the more infuriating trends in the candy industry. Not only does it incite the unnecessary purchase of inferior candy, it also does little but tarnish the name of the existing standby. Case in point: M&M's M-Azing chocolate bar. Really just a mediocre bar of the "crunch" variety, M-Azing is another confused (and confusing) attempt to cash in on the product's good name. Explain to me why embedding familiar candy shells into a chocolate bar improves a chocolate bar. No, seriously--please explain! YOU CANNOT. Verdict: AWESOME! ZP

Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip

If you like to suck stick, Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip is an enjoyable, if uneven, candy experience. The package is separated into five separate compartments: two hard sugar sticks, and three packs of flavored dipping crystals. The point is to lick the stick, dip the stick, and suck the stick. RazzApple MAGIC Dip has the sour tanginess one would expect from a combo of powdered raspberry and apple, and made me want to suck the stick until clean. Cherry-YUM-DIDDLY Dip, while possessing a sweeter bouquet, was a bit chemical for my taste--yet I still fully enjoyed sucking every drop from the still firm stick. The third and final flavor, Grape-YUMPTIOUS Dip, lacked the full flavor of the other two, leading me to suck and suck and suck the stick, but never experiencing full satisfaction. Fortunately, even after the powder was gone, the stick itself lasted another full three hours--time I happily spent sucking it to completion. WSH