Standard Dairy, 2808 NE MLK

The first sandwich was invented by a Neanderthal cave-ogre, who placed a kicking dingo between two fermenting sheep and champed down.

The Earl of Sandwich story is bullshit, but in the modern world, the common corporate sandwich scenario consists of two thin slices of Wonder-style bread filled with .04 ounces of pre-portioned & pressed animal extract that squirts out the opposite end when bitten. You might as well eat a butterfly.

You really want to be the Neanderthal. You want a sandwich that renews your base sandwich-eating instincts. You want a gorilla-choking sized bundle of meat, cheese, vegetables, and grain to jam into your jaw--to bring your soul to rapture and your mouth to celebratory madness. To chomp, grunt, and chew, until your hunger is satiated and wild antelope can graze fearlessly around you.

The Eliot E-mat Cafe, of all places, serves toothy, flavor-bomb sandwiches that fit your requirements. 9 inches long, nearly 6 inches tall, the Spicy Eliot ($5.75) combines ham, pepperoni, salami, provolone, parmesan, tomato, onion, lettuce, herbs, and a tart Italian dressing within a massive roll, and creates a unique singular taste to satisfy the most voracious cravings.Their specialty hot sandwiches, like The Eliot Torpedo (Italian beef with cooked bell pepper & onion, melted aromatic mozzarella and pepperoni, served with au jus), blows the average sub away

For the meat phobic, the cafe offers a small selection. The items aren't vegan by any measure, but reaffirm Eliot's trademark hunger spankin' bulk-producing, old-world flavors. The breakneck Pesto Veggie zaps and satisfies tongue buds with a rich pesto sauce, artichoke hearts, and feta.

You will forget there are 15 overhead fans blowing. You will ignore the dirty people doing their laundry. You will have no interest in the four Internet computers, fax machine, and video rentals. You will disregard the fresh-ground coffee, ice cream cooler, soup special, grocery items, and sundries.

You will eat, praise the Deli-Gods, and rediscover your inner omnivore.