-- HYPOTHESIS: Candy, when consumed in large quantities, imbues subjects with the ecstasy of delicious flavor, as well as increased mental and physical abilities.

-- EXPERIMENTAL DESIGN: Subject "Kate" underwent challenges with no candy, and then, the following day, underwent four mental and physical challenges againÉ with significant amounts of candy in her system. If our hypothesis is correct, her scores would be vastly improved on Day 2.

-- PHYSICAL/MENTAL CHALLENGES

1. Speed: A timed 100-yard dash.

2. Strength: Number of push-ups performed in 30 seconds.

3. Intelligence: One round of the Who Wants to be a Millionaire? official board game.

4. Wit/Cleverness: Subject's overall Wit/Cleverness will be documented.

-- MATERIALS

1 Snickers Bar

3 Pixie Sticks

-- OBSERVATIONS:

Day 1: Subject "Kate" ate no candy today. We began with the Strength Challenge. Subject displayed high levels of both Wit and Cleverness early on. Before attempting the push-ups, she said, "I hope I can even do push-ups for 30 seconds." Subject did an impressive total of 17 push-ups.

From there we moved to the Who Wants to be a Millionaire? board game for the Intelligence Challenge. She proceeded to answer eight trivia questions, moving to the level of $16,000 before faltering on a question about the life cycle of garter snakes.

The final challenge was Speed. We lacked the proper equipment to measure 100 yards, so "Kate" was timed running from the "tree with little berries on it" to the "bench by the restrooms." Kate ran this distance in 9.8 seconds. "I feel like Air Jordan," she commented, exhibiting still further Wit/Cleverness with her impressive ability to cite humorous references from pop cultural history.

Day 2: Subject ate candy today, beginning with the Speed Challenge, for which we fed her three Pixie Sticks. "Kate's" time post-Sticks was 8.98 seconds, nearly a full second better than her time the previous day, pre-candy. "I felt a second faster," commented "Kate," Wittily and Cleverly.

(Note: To test the effects of candy on Wit/Cleverness, "Kate" consumed one bar of Laffy Taffy throughout her engagement of the other three challenges.)

We then moved on to part two of the Intelligence Challenge, preceded by consumption of one roll of Giant Smarties. According to the literal properties of the word "Smarties," these little sugary discs will enhance human intelligence levels. However, in "Kate's" case, they did not, as she only advanced to the $8,000 level of the game, one level less than the day before, pre-candy.

Our final stage of Day Two involved the Strength Challenge, prior to which "Kate" devoured one Snickers Bar. "Kate" proceeded to do 16 push-ups in 30 seconds, one push-up less than the day before.

-- CONCLUSION: After eating Pixie Sticks, subject "Kate" showed marked improvements in Speed. After one Snickers Bar, her Strength totals appeared diminished, but were also impressive considering her physical soreness from previous day's push-ups--candy exhibited restorative properties. Subject's Intelligence levels were diminished after eating Smarties, though Laffy Taffy did not noticeably diminish Wit/Cleverness.

At this time we cannot determine whether or not candy is the Perfect Food-- but we're still pretty sure it is.