Candy sucks. And this stupid candy issue sucks worse. Candy is just a gimmick designed to kill children, and this issue is just another Mercury gimmick to lure in an idiot readership. "Oh, hey there, idiot. You like candy, right? You know what else you might like? The Mercury! It's like candy for your brain!" Anyway, please enjoy this counterpoint/counterpoint discussion on why candy is evil and, more importantly, wrong.

Katie: Candy causes canker sores, the most painful mouth sores ever.

Marjorie: True, Katie, and not only does it cause canker sores, it makes your teeth all fuzzy, and causes psychological detriment as well. For instance, eating candy fosters a negative self-image. (Dude, you're fat, and when you're eating candy, you're only getting fatter.) But buy yourself another bag of low self-esteem anyway, loser.

Katie: Good point, Marjorie. And besides making you feel like an unhealthy slob, eating candy also causes adult onset diabetes, which is one of the most high-maintenance diseases known to man. [Note from the Editor: This is horseshit. See MY article, "Candy's Greatest Enemies," above. ] Feel like checking your blood sugar 10 times a day? How about taking insulin shots? Passing out in your local Safeway and having to be rushed to the hospital? How about having to pay for that $10,000 ambulance ride? Sounds like a lot of hassle and expense, doesn't it? And since you're a big, fat, lazy ass who spends all his money on candy--can you really afford it?

Marjorie: Truer words have never been spoken, but we haven't yet addressed the harm it does to children! For many years my grade school was controlled by a racket of Sour Lemon dealers, who sold candy for profit to kids whose parents wouldn't even buy them Froot Loops. By third grade, kids were hooked. I was giving handjobs during recess just to get my paws on those things, and by fourth grade I was eating 150 Sour Lemons per day! Talk about canker sores. It took me six months of therapy to get off the shit.

Katie: And beyond the physical addiction, candy companies are turning our kids into mindless consumers. They keep changing the shape of the same stupid candies to get kids excited. "Hey kids," they say, "look, now Snickers are in the shape of a football. You like footballs, don't you? You should eat Snickers, you little fucking fool."

Marjorie: Jesus, I know. Try living in Hershey "Chocolate Town, USA" Pennsylvania. Intended to be a model of white bread American utopia, it's really a wildlife refuge for people who are so depressed they need a constant bombardment of chocolate, roller coasters, and streetlights shaped like Hershey Kisses just to get through the day.

Katie: Right Marjorie, and they say you get "high" from eating candy. I've never felt "high." Psychedelic mushrooms get you high. Marijuana gets you high. Cocaine gets you high. Candy just turns you into a poor, fat, unimaginative diabetic. Give me cocaine any day. No, seriously. Give me some cocaine.