No one likes me in this town. And, really, who can blame them? Let's be honest: I've never understood this place. Even though I pretend I do. I'm obsessed with making people think I'm some kind of authority on Portland, but even I have to admit that I make an ass of myself whenever I pontificate about "New Portland" and "Old Portland" in the weekly, and on my righteous Twitter feed!!

Let me - and the friends of mine I pay to "write" for us - tell you about East Portland. Did you know people call it "The Numbers?" Yup! That's what REAL Portlanders call it! Let me tell you about Satyricon, or whatever it was called. Fruit beer! Stupid Old Portlanders!! WEED IS COOL! So are swimming holes. And doughnuts!! If you don't want the yuppies and hipsters to invade your spaces, you're a Nazi! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!

Lately, I've been paying other d-bags to write articles that I know will generate negative comments. I'm getting so much praise from our owner for all the clicks. That feels good. It's like my dad approves of me now. Clicks are as close as I can get to respect and affection, My obvious journalistic shortcomings sure aren't helping . Whatever, you stupid Old Portlander. SPORTS! BEER! QUIRKS!!! ME!!