You are in love with your green lawn. It's pretty amazing how unnaturally green it is. How the stark property lines go from dried crabby to lush green. You hire people who come out and and ensure this. You will dig out spots where animals pee/poop and destroy it, replacing swatches.
All this and no one ever comes over to visit you ever. To marvel at your amazing craft (or to ask you about your water bill).
If I was younger, I'd probably piss on it after drinking too much most nights. Now, I drink little and am old as well. Still, I do get a kick out of watching you through your window as people's pets piss on it.