"My fellow Americans, I'd like to thank you for the support, and I hope we can set the turmoil of the election aside so that we may move forward to make America Great Again. That said, I also want to again remind you to watch that sex tape I tweeted about a month ago. Seriously, take a look at it."
"In the days to come, you will learn that the president is not a dictator, and most of the stuff I promised you won't happen because I can't just change laws with the swipe of a pen. Sure, I told you I'd do all this shit, but I knew you were too stupid to know how government actually works. I made countless promises that I can't possibly keep and you believed me; it's beautiful."
"I also want to thank you for always deflecting my actions with the actions of someone who wasn't even running for president: Bill Clinton. When I was called out for my womanizing and multiple affairs, you held true to our right-wing tactic of always responding with what Bill did in the 90's. You stuck to the argument that everything was, and still is, Bill or Hillary's fault. Also Obama."
"In the coming years, you will see the economy falter, the housing boom bust, and another war declared. My friends and I will grow richer as the working class and poor grow more poorer. Luckily, my supporters are so dumb that I will be able to place the blame for my actions squarely at the feet of Obama. It'll be a wonderful thing. God bless America, but more importantly: God bless me, I'm absolutely amazing!"