You fucked up right off the bat - don't ever, EVER, go on a date with a jackass in any sort of baseball cap.
You might think that a tall order, but find a person that refuses to wear one and you will find a much more intelligent, enlightened person.

canvas bag of water? ohkkkkay.....

So your stereo type of hiking gear is better than other people's stereotype of hiking gear? No wonder you're not getting laid! Too bad your vegan condoms are going to waste...