So I just ate some vegan cream cheese. You see, I have some super-insane-mega-fucked-up digestive... Let's call it "stuff,".
When I eat things with cream, milk, or really super dense fats in general, I will spend at least 1/24 of my next 24 hours on the toilet.
So, I tried some vegan cream cheese, and it was FUCKING DELICIOUS.
I'm actually certain that it's not depravation making me overstate how delicious this cream cheese was; I've given in multiple times and subjected myself to colonic ruin just to eat things with dairy.
This shit is fucking tasty.
I was having this moment of incredible gratitude that someone would think to make such a product to cater to such a niche crowd and—wait, what? It's "better" than cream cheese? Hold on.
You know what I didnt feel when I ate vegan cream cheese? BETTER THAN ANYONE.
That's right, this brand of vegan cream cheese thinks that it's better than you. It's "better than cream cheese," and totally isn't a "just-as-good-ish" replacement for real cream cheese. You see, it costs more and comes with a privileged guilt clause.
Your undistilled tears are a key ingredient in their wholistic organic recipe.
If you fuckers weren't so goddamn delicious... Something something