I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Where My Bros At?

Where are all the dudes in my yoga class?
The teacher asked me what all the rest of the guys in Portland were doing this morning. I had to tell her I didn't know but they weren't touching their toes!

I'm not either, i guess. But in an hour I might be.


Look in the Mirror

I've lived in this community for 18 years. I generally keep my opinions to myself, in part because I’m libertarian on most issues and just because there is freedom of speech doesn’t mean you have to hear my opinion on everything.

I’ve enjoyed living in this community. Unfortunately, the level of discourse here has become terrible. There doesn’t seem any tolerance for a differing opinion. If my opinion isn't the same as yours, you’d call me a racist, a Nazi, “alt-right”, etc. Anything and everything that you think is wrong or not how you want it, must be the fault of people who aren’t progressives or liberals.

When that crazy person killed those two people last month, the constant barrage by the Mercury writers and commenters and around town was “this is what Donald Trump voters do, this is what republicans do, we have to shut down their free speech, we to fight in the streets, etc.”

That person was severely mentally disturbed, but his actions were attributed to anyone who doesn’t think like you.

This week in Alexandria VA, someone who spouted the same hatred for years that I’ve heard in this community for the last six months attempt to assassinate duly elected representatives. Had he killed 15 to 20 republicans, the House would have been in chaos.

An editorial or a story here about stopping the incitement to violence on the left would've been nice; the silence from this paper is appalling. Having attributed the violence in May to the other side, saying nothing about Wednesday’s shooting is almost a tacit approval of the actions in VA.

It's time for those on the left advocate violence, cheer on antifa and want to shut down free speech should take a long hard look in the mirror.


Creepy Dude at Work

From guy to guy: stop doing creepy shit to our women coworkers.
They've been telling me about it, and they are a hair away from contacting HR.
You offer to take them shooting. You stand inappropriately closely behind them while they're taking calls and smell their fucking hair. You send them weird messages on our WORK internal messenger and expect us not to see it?
This is textbook creepy—please just stop. There are so many dating apps out there—creep on somebody who likes your creep.
Also, you're gonna need to need to drop your standards to something more realistic. These chicks are out of your league, bro.


Commitment Pro Tips

Don't leave a cute flirty pic of you and your last gf on the fridge for the first four months of your new relationship. When your new girlfriend moves in, maybe clean your ex's pile of dirty lacy undies from under the bed. Check to see if your sex toys smell like her. Have fun calling her up when you're single again.


Commuted Woes

Today, it took me nearly 2 hours to travel 5.5 miles. Now, you might think I walked, which would be a fair assumption. You would be wrong. I had the pleasure of standing in the rain for scores of minutes, waiting for scheduled busses that never arrived, and sitting in traffic to get across bridges woefully overwhelmed by cars desperate to get out of downtown. Busses unable to use their designated lanes since the lanes were not wide enough for both bus and car. It is only by the grace of the patient Portland commuter community, beat down by weeks of this nightmare, that there wasn't bloodshed. Your entire transit authority should be fired, along with your city engineers. You know, in some cultures, this type of shameful embarrassment would require seppuku. I guess you should find some comfort that we don't live in that culture.

I'm not mad, just disappointed.


Private Events at Public Parks

Once again, a private event will be taking up all of The Fields park, smashing the grass into a matted mess just in time for the rest of the summer.

Whatever they're charging you for the permit, it's not enough. You should choose a park that can accommodate your event and still have some room left for the public (who paid for the park), like the waterfront.


Better Hope the Cops Get You Before We Do

To the scrawny pricks' that are going around robbing bars in Portland. Do you know that you're robbing lower class, hard-working people? People with exhausting jobs & long hours who just wanted a drink before going home? People like the only responsible adults in your lives while growing up. You are a disappointment to your grandmother, aunt, uncle, mother, father, sister, brother, the state – whoever the fuck failed to raise you right. I wasn't there that night, but my friends were & you put a gun to their head for a few bucks. Is life worth so little to you, you waste of sperm? We are old enough to be your parents and we would've raised you much differently. If you are a bad kid (which you are), blame the parents and if you are a good kid, blame the parents. I blame your "parents" for raising an entitled little shit with no regard for anybody but themselves. Karma's a fucker, you'll get yours.


Smug Racist

To the woman who yelled "get out of my country!" at our bus driver who was wearing a headscarf: you are a miserable coward. You said it as you were stepping off the bus so no one could engage with you and you could walk away without consequences. I have no doubt you will get absolutely nothing but the very worst life has to offer. And I won't forget your disgusting smug face.

To the driver: I'm so sorry. It's unacceptable that you had to take that abuse at your job. I'm sorry you had to be graceful and strong and keep going. You deserve better protections from abuse at your job and you deserve so, so much more than that.


Stick This in Your Pipe and Smoke It

I swear to god, bagpiper who has been playing downtown for hours on end the last week. I will fucking hang, draw and quarter you like William goddamn Wallace. You played the Skye Boat song for an HOUR STRAIGHT on Friday. FUCK YOU. A normal busker with their fucking guitar falls away after half a block, but you somehow have the FUCKING TEMERITY to think that a square of 5 city blocks is just DYING to hear you play the Skye Boat Song FOR A STRAIGHT HOUR UNINTERRUPTED. FUCK YOU. THE WORLD HAS NO OBLIGATION TO BE YOUR AUDIENCE.

Find a fucking empty field. Or better yet, just go run headlong at her majesty the Queen while blaring Scotland the Brave, your stupid goddamn utilikilt flared up, your junk shivering in the wind, and get yourself killed by those guards with the silly hats, you selfish, inconsiderate McFuckwit.


I Love You, Taco Bell Boy

Your calm voice over the speaker, your diamond inner wrist tattoo as your arm gently served the car ahead, your huge sparkly eyes looking at me in the front passenger seat. I was a redhead wearing a flower crown. What really got me was the extra chalupa with guacamole. I hope that means you were as starstruck as I.


More Lame Asses

Anyone that has a car, a horn and uses it out of anger or because you're an impatient fuck for 20 seconds, you're a goddamn fucking idiot.
I know most of us are in our own goddamn heads. We live in our own world. Most of us have a general dislike or paranoia towards strangers and fucking each other in general. A lot of us listen to headphones and pretend to not to hear anything. A lot more of us glued to the "ME"phone to even acknowledge the existence of anyone else.
But for fucks sake, use your words. You need something, say something. Say hello or thank you for a greeting or when you get help. I don't understand the silence. I don't understand your motions except I know you're displeased with something. Lastly, I can't read your fucking goddamn stupid mind.
Because that's the way the world goes round. The more of this shit that I see, the less I care about giving a flying fuck about what issues you're having that made you into an asshole by days end or start, for that matter, and the less I'll want to reciprocate any positive energy to you. It's just not worth my energy anymore.


The Tiny Bits

Life is nothing but ants, spiders, flies and dust.
What's with this bug screens keeping bug and flies out the house? Good idea if it worked. I got about 50 flies buzzing around into windows panes driving me insane.
When someone tells me don't take it personal. I say all of everything is personal.
Whenever a person tells me you're thinking too much. My response is that's all there is to do but think. If it's not thinking then it's drinking.
This guy told me the best advice he got about a job is someone telling him this isn't a prison. I'm not keeping you here, you can leave anytime you want. I said what a bad idea. To not have something else lined up yet walk out? Like that prison break, they better have a better plan than just to escape. Like imbeciles foolishly quitting jobs who are always unemployed like idiot prison breaks to get caught then shot. Great idea!
A bad idea is laying down watching the ceiling fan spin around.


PBS Pledge Breaks

I hate PBS pledge breaks. Does anyone really watch their crappy alternative programming? I hate Suze Orman and her stupid financial advise, I hate 1950’s revival bands, I am sick of Rick Steves visiting European cities. I am really tired of Ken Burns and his boring documentaries. Get real, PBS ask for money during your regular programming, don’t do these breaks.


Fleet Weak

I can't wait till downtown returns back to normal. Every year they bring these fucikng killing machines to Portland. These floating poluting tax payer funded dinosaurs. Naive tourists and troglodytes flock to the Willamette to stare at them in awe, slack jawed, drool dripping. Clueless or willfully complicit with the destruction they have caused around the world to innocent communities and the valid democracies they've overthrown or jeopardized. It's nothing more than a traveling vaudeville circus for the military industrial complex. An old man walking by the waterfront gave me the stink eye. He was in some of his old uniform ensemble. I almost yelled at him about what true patriotism is but I didnt want to cause a scene in front of his attraction daughter. Besides, I lost my bullhorn. Hurry up and heave anchor!


Anti Sharia Protests

What the hell is this nonsense? Just be honest about what it is. It is an anti Muslim rally!!!! Organized by islamophobics!!!! DOnt they have anything better to do on a Saturday than discriminate against minorities religious freedom? Guess they get cabin fever sitting in their trailer home for too long. Idiots.
When is Tyrano Trumpus Rex going to denounce this hateful gathering? Stand strong Antifa! Fight the good fight. Defend our Muslim brothers and sisters. FIght


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