I, Anonymous Blog

The views expressed in these submissions are from anonymous, unverified sources and do not necessarily represent those of the Portland Mercury.

Parking like a jerk

So there's a lot of new people in Portland and I'm tired to death of complaining about it. But the way I see people parking when there are now so many fewer spaces has re-ignited my irritation. So people, please, be mindful of the scarcity of parking and pull the fuck up to the car in front of you! Or the stop sign for that matter! You only need about a foot in front or behind to get in and out of a spot if you learn how to parallel park (and don't get me started on that.) when there's no where to park and 4 cars are spread out in 6 cars worth of spaces it makes you all look like entitled jerks.

Your kid or your smartphone. PIck one!

I'm your nice, neighborhood old guy who has trouble keeping up with you kids, but I hear you have coined a new word: phubbing. That means rudely ignoring someone by checking your smartphone. Even your child, I guess.

This morning, I looked out my kitchen window as I did the dishes and saw my young, hipster, wired neighbor taking a walk with his new toddler... completely and totally absorbed in a viral video while son repeatedly pleads "Daddy, Daddy, please look at this cute, little squirrel"!

Stop it! Just stop!

Stop ignoring your only child and put down the fucking phone before we yank it out of your thin, white bony, overeducated tattoed hands to make you be a better father.

Thank you.

There Once Was a....

There once was a House of Trump
Whose brand was a toxic dump
They were eventually nailed and finally jailed
Where they get bullied, beaten and hump'd

I Can See Clearly Now Tablecloth Apple

I used to be a DemocRAT, but in the Fall of 2008 I crashed my motorcycle and went head first into an oak tree. Now I'm a PROUD Republican and everything makes so much sense to me. Although my party spent millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars investigating Benghazi and EmailGate and no crime was found, I still consider Hilary a TRAITOR who should be LOCKED UP! Now, I want NO investigation into the Trump campaign colluding with a foreign advisory, even though there is so-call "evidence." And even though I followed Trump blindly for 5+ years in calling for Obama's "real" birth certificate, I now don't mind that Trump still hasn't released his tax returns... or birth certificate. Although Trump never gives specific examples (evidence and facts) that something is FAKE NEWS, I believe it without question... as long as the FAKE NEWS has to do with the "left-wing" media. Yes, after running head first into that oak tree and being discharged from the hospital, I promptly registered as a PROUD Republican. TRUMP 2020, 2024, 2028, 2032... FOREVER!

Get to Know an Anarchist?

I'm sorry but this fool you folks interviewed contradicts himself more than Trump. First of all, do you honestly believe abolishing "the state" would be a good thing? How has that worked out in the past? How did that work out in Somalia? Grow up! "The state" (even the current shitty one we have now) is the only thing preventing the rise of the American warlord. That army of millions of well armed hate filled right wingers who have done nothing but prepare for their moment they can kill the rest of us unchecked.
You guys love throwing all the scare words at anyone who disagrees with your childish fucking non-ethos! Fascist this propagandist that. If you want to be political so bad then go and buy a fucking dictionary. You're the fascists, you're the propagandists, and you're the assholes deligitimizing those of us who actually want to fix it. You don't vote, you don't want to participate. You just like looking cool and pretending you're different from any other authoritarian thug. You're not Che, you're just like Trump. Clueless little spoiled babies who love attention and get it however they can.
Fucking Portland! I used to think this really was a liberal Mecca. Instead it's just some wasteland of spoiled pretend revolutionaries. "People's republic of Portland" my ass! You're all totally in line for equal distribution of your daddy's bank accounts and you know it.
Maybe you anarchists should find an island somewhere for your social non-structure. I'm sure your parents would pay the rent there too...man.


Bun and Bang Due

What's that little thing on the back of your head? It's not quite a pony tail. It's not long enough hair to tie into a pony tail. How do you get it to stay that way all day? Is there a hair tie holding it in place? It's not a big bun. It's a little bun. It's like a little nubbin. It definitely can't be a case of necessity or function because your hair ain't that long. Therefore, you do that bun nubbin for the look?

Well, cool bro. I hope it keeps the hair out of your eyes, dude.
Also, some bangs on some chicks look funny. Not all chicks but some. Something about it just looks funny. I guess gotta keep the hair out of the eyes. I guess that's the function of the bun bang look.
To detract focus, every bald headed guy with a goatee looks like the same guy.

My Pendleton Flannel at Fleet Foxes

I'm assuming it was an innocent mistake that you took my prized Pendleton flannel from the show on May 18. That shirt had sentimental value and has way more character than you ever will. The only way to redeem yourself is to either give it to a homeless person or donate it to goodwill. It will only haunt you to know that I'm judging you whenever I see you wearing it.


I call on all non-alt-right whackos to start labeling alt-right whackos with the same labels they apply to us. When the orange-haired-monster-in-chief runs to Twitter in a fit of rage, he's been triggered. When Richard Spencer and his small group of hillbilly white nationalists protest the removal of a confederate statue, they've also been triggered and are trying to preserve their safe space.

Just read any online comment thread and you'll find them infested with right-wing nut-bags yelling and calling everything they don't agree with "FAKE NEWS!" Well, they, too, have been triggered, for they are little alt-right Snowflakes that are so easily offended.

I've implemented the use of labeling since Triggered Trump has taken office, and 90% of the time all you'll get is a thumbs down... it stops them in their tracks. They're not used to being called "Snowflakes" or being accused of being "TRIGGERED" and it forces them to crawl back under the filthy rock from which they emerged.

I just love how the right is calling out for people to "just give Trump a chance," when for 8 years all they did was question Obama's legitimacy as a president. "Pals around with terrorists- Quitter Sarah Palin," "He's a Muslim," "He's a fascist," "The Thug in the White House," "String him up! -Pants Defecating Ted Nugent," "He was not ain't born here!"

Now it's our turn... and god, how I'm loving triggering all these little alt-right Snowflakes!!

Paul Ryan is a Slime-ball

On January 20, 2009 Republican Leaders in Congress literally plotted to sabotage and undermine U.S. Economy during President Obama's Inauguration. The senior GOP members plotted to bring Congress to a standstill regardless how much it would hurt the American Economy by pledging to obstruct and block President Obama on all legislation.

These Republican Congressional Policymakers, who were elected to do 'the People's work' were literally plotting to sabotage, undermine and destroy the U.S. Economy... which is EXACTLY what they did. They blocked bill after bill... legislation that would have put Americans back to work. They didn't care that Americans lingered in the unemployment lines due to the Republican Bush Great Depression... for they knew their base was too stupid to pay attention.

Never mind the travesty that is Ducky Trump... what's getting little attention is yet another secret group of Republicans caught on tape acknowledging that Trump was on Putin's payroll. They first denied that it ever took place, then once the Washington Post revealed they had it all on tape, they immediately jumped to the excuse that it was "just a joke."Ha. Ha. Ha.

The man who attended both of these meetings? Paul Ryan. The Slime-ball of the House who is getting a pass on all of this. He refuses to answer any questions about it... and, like all Republicans, he gets pass after pass after pass after pass after pass...

First Responders in Milwaukie, Oregon-Police Dept

I don't often read positive news about the Milwaukie, Oregon, first responders. I want to thank you all for the good job you do to keep us safe. I have never met one, but see you stop speeders all the time. I hope I can ride with you sometime because you allow citizens to do this once they sign up. I think it would be something more people would do if they knew it was available. This is a wonderful first hand experience for those who disrespect your job.

Just one thing, you nailed my husband for going just 5 miles over the speed limit. I have lived here long enough to know, it was your welcome wagon to newcomers that move here. It cost $160.00, but it deters speeders. Thanks again, keep up the good work.

To All the Single Women in Portland

I am sorry that I don't make 6 figures, am not over 6 feet tall, am not a hipster, or am full of myself. I am sorry for being the nice, sweet, flower bearing guy that you say you are looking for but don't actually want. So when you are done complaining about the lack of decent men in Portland, stop and look around. We are here, you just need to give us a chance.

Your Loss, Hiring Managers

To every single recruiter, hiring manager, and employer who complains that they cannot find good talent, let me just say that you honestly don’t know what you’re missing. When I am a 95% fit for your position, and you decide not to call me in for an interview? Bullshit. I never realized that my extensive experience and higher education was completely worthless to employers in Portland. And then you have the audacity to whine on LinkedIn that you can’t find any candidates. Bullshit. It sounds to me like you’re too lazy to train someone, and your lack of big-picture thinking and ability to see potential in me just means you won’t get to work with me. And that is YOUR loss, because I am actually the highest contributor, model employee, best damned leader you could ever hire, but now you’ll never know. And while I get that this angry rant probably doesn't represent my best foot, I know my amazing potential, and I swear when I get hired by your competition, you’ll see why you should have put me on your team.

Blame PPS

Recently, there's a "boo-hoo-hoo" article published by the Mercury calling out a landlord for giving his tenant's a head's up that if the PPS bond passes, their rents will go up. Most landlords raise rents to ease the burden of the never-ending taxes, bonds and measures that the fine people of Portland insist on passing. This landlord had the courtesy to let his tenants know what the future might look for them... financially speaking.

Unfortunately, the PPS bond looks like it's going to pass. PPS will be rewarded for the gross incompetence, the lies, the dishonesty and the wasting of money from a $450 million dollar bond that was passed but 4 years ago.

I'm also a landlord and will be increasing my rents very soon. If a renter actually looked at a property tax bill and saw all the shit that's tacked on, maybe they would have a better perspective. All these measures, bonds and taxes that RENTERS get to vote on are the sole burden of PROPERTY OWNERS. I'm not talking about landlords, who can raise the rent and pass that burden onto the renters who actually voted for the increase... I'm talking about regular property owners who don't own rentals. They get to foot the bill entirely... and that bill seems to grow every year.

I don't want to hear any complaints from renters regarding increases in rent... you voted for an increase in rent, and you're gonna get it. Enjoy!

Huff and Puff

It's really shocking to see that the voter turnout for this most recent ballot is just a tad above 30%. With all the protests, all the indignation, all the cries of "NOT MY PRESIDENT"... and less than half of the voters even bothered to vote? What does this say about the 2018 election?

It's hard to take all these protesters seriously when YOU DIDN'T VOTE!

It's been said time and time again... Democrats don't turnout except every 4 years.

hARTe and Musak

So many of you folks have something bitterly against art and music. People who make art and music. Musicians and artists. What is wrong with you folks? Sounds more like an inferiority complex. I'm sorry if you're brain cannot comprehend how to play an instrument. Some just don't have it, it's true. You might as well not try because you'd be terrible at it. I'm sorry if you have zero creativity to even do what other folks say, "my kid can do that." I'm sorry if your mammas dropped you on your right brain and crushed your creativity.

What gives folks? What's with the inadequacy turned aggression? What's with the jealousy?

I get it too. Just to call yourself an artist and musician in this century seems fake and pretentious. There's a lot of that going around and it is disgusting. Are they too full of themselves? Is that what it is? Everyone is full of themselves living in these times though.

But I suppose you're right. You folks who don't make art or play music are the real deals of human life and have the most justifiable occupations and hobbies.

Most Popular in I, Anonymous Blog