Kalah Allen

I'VE NEVER MET a more untalented person, yet you have the ego of a renowned artist. Only in a town like Portland would mediocrity be celebrated. A mutual friend of ours invited me to your "art exhibit" in North Portland. The damn thing was in someone's crappy basement and about 12 of your "pieces" hung on the wall. Everyone was so enthralled! I stood there feeling like somebody had slipped me some acid. Your art was that of a fifth grader—seriously, my seven-year-old nephew draws better than you. The weird thing was, everybody seemed to love it. Then, you arrived... entering the basement with drink in hand while wearing, I'm not fucking kidding, an ascot. You made your way through the room, explaining your inspiration for each "piece" as everyone listened intently. It was absolutely ridiculous, but the saddest part of it all is that the women were all over you. Here I am, single and alone, and you're getting all the attention for scribbling some shit on cardboard? Your art is shit.—Anonymous