Kalah Allen

To all of you who own a dick that you like to put on, in, or near other people: Sure, you’ve got a “dirty, filthy, nasty big cock,” but you also have a dirty, gross, bad-smelling, and less-than-delicious appendage with pubes as overgrown as some remote Georgian cemetery. It’s funky as fuck, and not in a fun way. I hear you talking about pussy preferences—please note that waxing is both uncomfortable and expensive—and yet you come at them with such blatant offense! Got foreskin? Awesome, love it—as long as you pull that collar back and ring around your own rosie with some fucking soap. Balls—symmetrical, loose, solo, large, small—can’t wait to suck that shit, AS LONG AS YOU’VE TRIMMED YOUR HAIR AND WASHED YOUR ASSHOLE. I don’t bring my entire day into bed with me, and I ask that you not bring an entire day of sweating and voiding into and onto my mouth/face/vag/etc. Lastly, your dick is not that big—trust me on this—so quit killing the mood by being a whiny bitch and just put the goddamn condom on before I ask you to leave.—Anonymous