"Clowns have the same inalienable rights as any other American."

THE PORTLAND SPIRIT

Via voicemail.

Hi, Portland Mercury! My name is Ellen, and I’m leaving a message now, but I also might either write or come in sometime and see you in person. I just want to thank you for your wonderful newspaper—it’s great, I hope you never lose your schtick! You’ve got great articles and great columns. May the Great Spirit ever bless and protect the Portland Mercury. Talk to you later. Bye!


IT WAS ALL A DREAM

Re: “Right 2 Dream Too Was Supposed to Leave Its Home by Today. It’s Sticking Around” [Blogtown, Oct 7]. “Under an agreement the Portland Development Commission (PDC) inked two years ago with the people who own the plot at West Fourth and Burnside, the land was to be empty by October 7 to give the city time to study it in advance of a purchase,” wrote News Editor Dirk VanderHart of the downtown site currently hosting the homeless rest area. “That’s not going to happen. The PDC now says that R2DToo can stay on the land until, at latest, April 7.” What’s more, the city’s efforts to move the rest area to the Central Eastside appear to have failed—causing another problem. “Out of more than $850,000 that was dedicated to finding R2DToo a new plot,” VanderHart added, “all but around $30,000 has been spent or committed in the effort to resettle across the river.”

Are you kidding me? For $850,000, the city couldn’t find a piece of real estate and buy it for Right 2 Dream Too? Hell, for that much, they can have my house. Our elected officials’ utter inability to deal with anything related to development or homelessness with the barest modicum of competence has transcended frustrating and is beginning to look like some kind of demented performance art.

benjamieson


A READER’S COMPLIMENT

RE: Something, apparently.

Your a fucking idiot nice article fag

Jason Pettit

EDITOR-IN-CHIEF WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY RESPONDS! “Hi Jason! Two things: 1) I write a lot of articles, which one are you referring to? 2) Let me assist you with your attempt at a sentence. ‘You’re a fucking idiot. Nice article, fag.’ Good luck in your future endeavors.”


SEND IN THE CLOWNS

RE: “Alleged Scary Clown Chases School Kids in Dallas, Oregon” [Blogtown, Oct 4], Wm. Steven Humphrey’s post in which he took issue with a Facebook post by Lt. Mott of Dallas’ police department. Noting reports that “a person dressed as a clown wandering Dallas” allegedly decided to “scare and then chase middle-school children down the street,” Lt. Mott vowed, “We will not tolerate this in our community and will arrest the person who does this if we are able.” Clown sympathizer Humphrey took an opposing view, observing that “Clowning is a proud profession that dates back to the mid-1500s” and “Clowns have the same inalienable rights as any other American” before accusing Lt. Mott of “unwittingly fostering a climate of distrust and fear.” “This is discrimination, pure and simple,” Humphrey proclaimed. “Clowns cannot control the emotions of others—unless they are inspiring gales of mirth and laughter! Also, middle-school children are usually dicks.”

I am appalled that even a half-assed newspaper would allow this man to publish the article on scary clowns. I’m not sure if it is meant to be funny, but it isn’t. Our schools are on high alert, and our children are terrified. He calls our children “dicks.” Well, no sir, you are the dick. Portland may be used to wackos, but Dallas is not. He has no business poking fun at a true epidemic. It is never okay to chase anyone through town. This is not “clowning,” this is harassment. This story is indicative of the nonsense you distribute.

Ashlee Simpson

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?! Middle-schoolers are children and deserve society’s protection from unwarranted fear and harassment! Children are all ignorant because they are KIDS! By all means, defend the clowns. It’s your right. And it’s mine to say that you are the poorest excuse for a journalist imaginable.

EducatedMamaBear

Ashlee and EducatedMamaBear, we at the Mercury are deeply touched by your devotion to the safety and wellbeing of your precious children. In related news, please enjoy the above picture of Pennywise the Clown, as played by Tim Curry in the family-friendly miniseries adaptation of Stephen King’s It. Watch it with your wonderful kids!


Letters and comments may be edited for space. Email us at lovenotes@portlandmercury.com.