THE LAMEST VOLCANO
RE: âJerks Need to Shut Up About OMSIâs Baking Soda Volcanoâ [Blogtown, July 24], Editor-in-Chief Wm. Steven Humphreyâs impassioned defense of OMSIâs somewhat underwhelming attempt âto break the world record for âlargest baking soda and vinegar volcano.ââ Meanwhile, Humphrey noted, âjerks on the internet set out to become the biggest dicks ever by making fun of OMSIâs volcano,â because âApparently the sight of a 34-foot WORKING science project volcano didnât meet up to the rigorous standards of those raised on Transformers movies.â
Youâre mistaken. That wasnât the sound of disappointed children, but rather a collective âmehâ from the hassle of hipsters (a group of hipsters is called a âhassleâ) who saw it done much better at Burning Man in 2010. That volcano was three times as large, it served as the playaâs primary location to wash dishes, and it featured new music from Burial, Aphex Twin, Tricky and Ishq. Youâd have said âmehâ too if youâd been at Burning Man, but you werenât, were you, you corporate sellout.
jonesrich
DISPATCH FROM ZIG ZAG
RE: Portlanders ruining everything.
Hey you Portlanders and your suburban compatriots!
You guys are getting out of hand when you come visit Mount Hood every weekend, holiday, snow day, and mental health day.
When you do come to visit, remember that this place is our home. We came here to get away from you. You are a guest here.
Stop trying to kill us with your cars. We have one gas station and two weed storesâthere is no place to be in a hurry to get to. So slow the fuck down and drive the speed limit. It is clearly posted at 45 MPH.
While Highway 26 looks like a freeway, it isnât. Itâs our Main Street. Bring it down about 80 percent. Chain up in designated areas instead of blocking the whole right lane about a half mile east of Sandy. If you canât drive in snow, donât come up here and try and learn how to by going into a ditch.
Pack out your trash and stop vandalizing the trails, rivers, and forests.
We donât come to your neighborhood in droves every chance we get and endanger your families and dump our trash all over your lawns. Knock it off. This is a chill place. So come chill. Use some goddamn couth.
Stacey McCarthy
Zig Zag
SEX, DRUGS, AND ROCK âNâ ROLL
RE: the Mercuryâs pick-up locations.
Since I closed my office downtown and retired to an independent living facility, I have had trouble finding your paper. Specifically, the box at the Northwest Hoyt post office is no longer there, nor is there one around my US Bank branch at Southwest 4th & Harrison.
My neighbors and I still like sex (every chance we get), drugs (especially vaping medical marijuana), and rock and roll (I personally have a fondness for Norwegian death metal), and many of us read your paper.
If you had a corner box at 102nd Ave and East Burnside, I think that between the two large retirement complexes here and Russellville Park Retirement Community on the opposite corner, together with the 102nd MAX platforms, many of us would be regular readers of your paper. Some of us, I suspect, have even starred in videos featured in your annual HUMP Fest.
Thank you again for a great read. All best,
Alf L. Jorgenson
Alf! Weâre sorry youâve had a hard time finding the Mercury! While we canât currently put a distro box at the intersection you suggest, we do have a Mercury box at Northwest 6th and Hoyt (one block from where the post office one used to be) and one at Southwest 4th and Hall (a block from your US Bank). Weâre also giving you the Mercuryâs letter of the weekâand two tickets to the Laurelhurst Theater for you and a date! You can pick up a Mercury there, tooâ after the movie, and before getting laid.
Letters and comments may be edited for space. Email us at lovenotes@portlandmercury.com.