A prime cut of grade-A, red-state values porn. When Channing Tatum and his 1,000-yard stare return home to South Carolina, he meets Amanda Seyfried, a doe-eyed nurturer who is completely free of sin and compelling character traits. (When Tatum asks her if she has any faults, Seyfried admits that she curses at people in her head. How humanizing!) These two boring people throw themselves into a passionately milquetoast courtship ("I want to meet your dad--tonight!" Seyfried coos on their second date) before Tatum--a Green Beret--has to leave for a year to finish up his military service. No problem, right? Tatum and Seyfried may have only known each other for two weeks, but their fiery, under-the-shirt-over-the-bra love is eternal! by Dave Bow