The Expendables 2 is the sort of movie that shows you a cityscape with the Eiffel Tower in it and then feels the need to put “PARIS, FRANCE” at the bottom of the screen. It’s the sort of movie where Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger cram themselves into one of those crappy little Car2Go cars, and Arnold rips off the passenger door when he opens it (because he's strong!) and then Willis kicks off the driver's side door (because FUCK A DOOR) and then Arnold says something like “This car is as big as my shoe!”, which is a joke. Chuck Norris’ beard looks like it is painted onto his face, which it probably is. Sylvester Stallone has a legitimately difficult time forcing his mouth to make the sounds that are the building blocks of human language. There are a lot of explosions, and there is even more Botox. Jean-Claude Van Damme inexplicably leaves his sunglasses on all the time because when he finally takes them off at the end GAAAHHHHH WHAT HAPPENED TO VAN DAMME’S EYES THEY LOOK LIKE REPTILOID EYES. And about 50 million hardworking Southeastern Europeans who were probably just trying to make a few bucks so they could feed their hungry little families get their goddamn intestines blown out of their stomachs and splattered across the ground by a bunch of old men who like to shoot really big guns at foreigners. The end. by Erik Henriksen