Battery
Thurs Sept 12
Aladdin Theater

Dear Battery, The World's #1 Metallica Tribute band, I'M A HUGE FAN!!! Not of your band; I've never heard your band (technically), but I'm a huge Metallica fan. The good years, i.e. anything up to The Black Album. From Load (Load of crap!) onwards, Metallica can suck it. I'm hoping you won't be playing any of that crap. If you do, I will boo you. If you hear booing during, like "Until it Sleeps," that'll be me--no offense. Conversely, when you play "Creeping Death," I will be the crazy motherfucker moshing like I had a colony of fire ants in my tighty whities. I WILL BE GOING FUCKING NUTZ! YOU WILL DEFINITELY SEE ME! I'm listening to that song right now.

Check this out: Battery is like the mini-me of Metallica! I just thought that up! You can use that if you want, just give me credit, ok? (That's not an insult, I just mean you guys have a smaller tour van, and a smaller stage set, and you're Canadian, stuff like that.) What do you think of Metallica after they got haircuts? I.e., "The downfall of the world's greatest metal band"?? I see you guys didn't cut your hair in tribute. THANK GOD! YOU'D LOSE ALL ABILITY TO PLAY GOOD MUSIC! (Even if it's somebody else's.) They're like Sampson when he got his haircut. SO DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR! YOU'LL START SUCKING IMMEDIATELY!

FYI, the night after you guys rock the shit out of Portland, shitbird Motley Crue and Iron Maiden cover bands are playing here. I don't mean to knock the Crue (even though I kind of think they're pussies) and I love Maiden (the good years, when Bruce Dickinson was singing--nothing before Number of the Beast), but these are "cover" bands, not "tribute" bands like Battery is. I'm going to go, because I'd like to hear the Crue play "Bastard," and Iron Maiden do "The Trooper" but that's it. I WILL NOT be moshing at that show.

P.S. If you need a place to stay, you can totally crash at my house.