The Plot to Blow Up the Eiffel Tower
Fri June 27
Dearest Mr.'s Brandon Welchez, Daniel Maier, Chuck Rowell, and Brian Hill,
It recently came to my attention that your band has set its sites on blowing up the Eiffel Tower. Wow. I can't tell you how crushed, nay, blown away, I was to hear of said plot. I mean, rock bands turning terrorist is nothing new--just look at John Mayer's multi-faceted Talibanic ways--but why squander your future like this?
Look, just stick to being an anti-blowing-stuff-up band. Your mercurial merging of crunktastical bop jazz and '93-era San Diego hardcore is arguably the best thing since Antioch Arrow and Clikatat Ikatowi roamed the earth. Not to mention, your spitfire firecracker cracked-up new-ish album, Dissertation, Honey, is selling like damn I-HOP SILVER-DOLLAR HOT CAKES in the indie-er record shops around the country. So why must you go down this dark, dark path?
HOWEVER, being an objectively minded guy, I can see why you MIGHT consider blowing up the Eiffel Tower. 1) The French are a prickly lot. I'm sure certain Frog-types, what with their S-Cargos and weee weees and haghn haghn haaaghns, don't take kindly to your screamy-shouty steez. 2) National Lampoon's European Vacation featured a scene shot at the Eif., and par for the course of Chevy Chase-dom, it was hella not funny. But that was just a scene, a strip of film, not a massive, skeletal building structure filled with innocent beret-clad, striped-shirt-wearing, mustachioed, Jerry Lewis buffs.
I implore you, TPTBUTET, give peace a chance. Instead, consider plotting to blow up "the whales" or, better yet, the cheesy-ass rainforests. Now, THAT would be an endeavor worthy of your many artisteeec talents.
Still a fan but crying a lot more,