Within the world of experimental rock 'n' roll, there lies two camps: the annoying, and the deeply annoying. And as for the group Emergency, they have somehow managed to supercede these categories to create an entirely new camp: the disturbingly annoying.

Take for example, their unfathomable popularity. For those who are "in the know" (i.e., everyone except you and me), Emergency is like a group of beatific cherubs who God himself has lowered down upon the Reed College campus to save the world with their oblique lyrics and questionable guitar skills. And thusly, because they poo-poo larger clubs in order to play beer-soaked laundry rooms at house parties, suddenly everybody goes ga-ga like the freakin' Dalai Lama rolled into town. True, they are so adorable you want to grab them by those chipmunk cheeks and PINCH, PINCH, PINCH! But still, this is no reason for the slobbering idolatry bestowed upon them by brainwashed fans and certain bespectacled, leg warmer-wearing music critics.

Now, regardless of whether their soaring popularity makes me feel like a dead donkey wearing a soiled diaper, the main reason I am "CON" Emergency is their music--or the LACK thereof. Remember in the third grade when your teacher gave the class "rhythm" instruments like maracas, tambourines, and scratchy sticks and you marched up and down the hall making a hellacious racket? Well, substitute your classmates with the kids who refused to take their Ritalin and pitched massive fits where they threw full containers of chocolate milk across the lunchroom--that's Emergency!

And you know what really pisses me off? They ACT like they don't know how to play their instruments, when in fact they DO know how to play them--and very well! On some songs they act like they're playing their instruments with their feet, and on others? All of a sudden they're goddam Yo Yo Ma!

Ohhhhhh, sure. Call it "punk" if you like! Does "punk" make you waggle your booty like Nancy Sinatra on LSD? Emergency does, AND I HATE THAT! Does "punk" have thoughtful lyrics that make you question how you conform to society's rules? Emergency does, AND I HATE THAT! Look, you little trust fund fuckos, I work HARD every day, and the last thing I need is a group of Reedies plucking guitars like they're picking lice off a gorilla, and telling ME I'm an automaton with all the choices of a cow lumbering off to market!

And that's why Emergency is "disturbingly annoying": they make you think, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT, they make you dance to experimental go-go rock, AND I DON'T LIKE THAT, and they are young, and beautiful, and don't give a shit if they ever sell a single album-- AND I REALLY, REALLY DON'T LIKE THAT!! But other than that I guess they're OK.