I LOVE Marilyn Manson. He's so cool.

I don't normally like bands that use profanity or bad language, unless it's for a reason. But Mr. Manson is different, because he plays really intelligent, loud rock music with deep lyrics. There's a song on his new record where he goes, "This is evolution/The monkey, the man and then the gun." It's true what he's saying. We haven't come very far from the apes, when you think about it. Guns are really stupid too, unless they're in a game like "Tomb Raider 2." I've never wanted to kill anyone.

I SPOKE to Mr. Manson on the phone. I know you won't believe me, but he called me up! Honest! You know how I can prove it? Because I know his real name. It's Brian. He told me!

"We now live in a world where nothing is secret anymore," he told me. "Not because of Big Brother, but because Little Brother is now watching everywhere you go, and telling all your secrets on the Internet. I'm actually reading my answers off the Internet as I say them."

I think he was joking. I was a bit worried when he said "Little Brother," so I tried to distract his attention by telling him how I'd sneaked into the cinema to see Blair Witch 2. He didn't seem very impressed though, so I told him that I heard he'd been painting pictures recently. He snapped at me this time. "I've always painted, since I was a kid!" he said loudly.

Well! Don't forget, Mr. High-and-Mighty Manson, that I AM one of those "Disposable Teens" you sing about... at least I will be in a couple of years.

I decided I'd impress him by using a complicated word. I said to him, "My cousin told me that your new album, Holy Wood, is the third part of a triptych." That pleased him: "The albums aren't quite necessarily linear." he said, "And they all stand on their own, but they do work together. It's three-dimensional. You could take the three CDs and program them into a sequence that is a narrative that is quite clear, actually." (What was he going on about? I didn't know.)

"Will our fans realize that?" he went on. "I'm sure they will, when they read this! But people will discover it by themselves. Strange things often work on a subconscious level. For example, there's a song on the new album called 'President Dead' that is three minutes and 13 seconds long. That's the same time as the moment of impact on the [I'm sorry, I couldn't work out what he said here] film when Kennedy is shot. We're playing on November 22 in Boston in."

I'm sorry, but this is where my tape ran out.

Anyway, I love Marilyn. His music is really LOUD and MEANINGFUL and full of doomy portents. He even dresses up in women's clothing and wears white face paint like it's Halloween. I have all Marilyn's albums--the new one, and that one where he looks like Alanis Morissette on the cover. He's not evil. He's NOT! How can you say that? Don't you stupid motherfucking fucks UNDERSTAND ANYTHING? I'm going to get out my fucking Uzi and my pipe bombs and... oh shit, here comes Mum.